Situational Comedy

Fame

2006-06-13T19:39:00.000-06:00

So the one plus that came out of last nights game (which, btw, sucked. Honestly, I don't think they deserve it the way they are playing right now) was that my mom became "famous".

I guess she was sitting in front of Cam Ward's parents which got her in the sweet spot of the cameras. During O Canada they showed both of my parents, and then in the last 40 seconds of the game it was just her for like 10 seconds chanting "Go Oilers Go", the dedicated little fan. We were a little shocked sitting at home watching and all of a sudden it was like, Oh hi mom!

She came home and we told her and she was just so excited she didn't stop talking about it all night. She's been getting emails non-stop and phone calls and my dad just sulks because no one realised that he was on as well.

And you might be wondering how they were at the game. In the Gold Club seats ($310 a pop, btw). This is the third time he won a draw at work for the tickets...and the third time he didn't give them to me....

If anyone happened to tape the game let me know, she really wants to see herself on national televsion.

Shout-Outs

2006-06-01T23:47:00.000-06:00

A few shout-outs...obviously:

- Shout out to Finola Hackett. Man, that girl can spell. Next year she'll take it, I just know it. She had about 100X the personality of her competitor, which makes her better as a person. German sucks as a language, anyway. Any language where a solid build-up of phlegm is a pre-req scores pretty low in my books. I took German for 3 years so I'm pretty much an expert on the subject. She did Canada proud and spelled French like she was friggin' Jacques Cartier.

- Shout out to Amy and Matt. I pray to the photo-gods that all my future models will be as easy to work with and direct as they were. They were troopers, braving mosquito infested woods just to get the shots. And their hard work paid off with some great results that I still need to finish working on. I love you like lovers.

- Shout out to the makers of Stargate. Season 3 is kicking ass!

- Shout out to the goslings at my golf course who make my beverage cart shifts much more enjoyable. Keep an eye on memoirsofaphotog for some pics of them soon. Hot damn are they cute.

- Shout out Occhiali Eyewear on Whyte. Seriously the best customer service ever. If you need new glasses go there. They get 5 stars in my books.

- And a final shout out to ouzo, for helping me get through my Ladies League shift! They don't call it "Bitches League" for nothing!

D.O.A

2006-04-22T18:23:00.000-06:00

If you've ever watched ER, Friends, or pretty much any show, you'll likely know what D.O.A stands for...

Little did you know that it can also apply TO A COMPUTER.

FUCK!!!

At least its not mine.

Background (since I'm sure you're confuzzled):
My parents finally decided to shut me up by ordering an iMac. A 20", dual core beauty. Apple Care (good thinkin!), bluetooth, etc. et al. It came yesterday, I put in the 10 min it takes to get an Apple set up and ready to go. After putting a couple of hours in today moving contact names and emails, all of a sudden the thing decides that it is going to become possessed. It just shuts down, or stays on with a black screen and a solid sleep light. At one point, the sleep like was flashing like a strobe light at a disco of computer death!

So after an hour on the phone with Apple they finally decided it was DOA and will call me to tell me how to send back this poor soul and get a new one.

Certainly doesn't increase my parent's confidence in this new life path, now does it?

Do You Remember?

2006-04-16T14:32:00.000-06:00

Besides being a wonderful Jack Johnson song, it is also a phrase often used as an introduction to reminiscing and nostalgia.

Here's a good one.

Do you remember when TV series would have a new episode every week and not as sporadic as a snowstorm in Edmonton?

I mean, if you aren't going to be able to perform, don't get into the business. It's a good three-week hiatus for Grey's Anatomy here.

3 weeks.

In three weeks you could hypothetically write 5 exams, 2 major research papers, and probably throw in a minor paper and a couple of assignments as well.

Oh wait, that's not hypothetical, that was this semester....

Anyway, back to the matter at hand. How did it suddenly become ok to just not show new episodes for the majority of the running season? Did anyone ask to see a special sneak peek of "What About Brian?". I know I sure as hell didn't.

When a show advertises the line "Did you ever have a day where you questioned every decision you ever made?" (Response: "Every day, Brian") as one of the *better* parts of the episode....well I think you get the picture.

Anyway, I just finished reading a tome for Psychology and I want to watch some hot doctors kill/save people and get into hijinx! Perhaps I'll have to settle for Sydney and Nigel running around the world looking for relics....

2006-04-11T09:04:00.000-06:00

Anyone looking for a good laugh? Try searching the worst/weirdest/most ass-backwards retarded celebrity names. Seriously. If you thought "Apple" was bad (their new kid's name is Moses, by the way) then you haven't seen anything.

Hope about Moon Unit?
Not strange enough?
Maybe.....Pilot Inspektor?
Still not horrid enough?
Daisy Boo.

It goes on and on and on and just when you think they couldn't get any stranger, they do.

Audio Science.

(Can you tell I have a final today?)

Colours of the Rainbow

2006-03-22T00:51:00.000-07:00

And yes, this is my final semester, not my first.

20" iBook

2006-03-19T00:43:00.000-07:00

20" iBook, originally uploaded by laurensimpson.

Wasn't Photoshopped my friends. We were just lucky enough to get our hands on a top secret 20" iBook...

Call for classes

2006-03-13T21:57:00.000-07:00

So I'm trying to put together 3 random classes for next semester. Harder than it seems, in all honesty. My "fun semester" has turned into my "not so fun semester" with ridiculously hard marking teachers.

So to try to maintain my GPA for the final semester, I'm asking for advice. I'm looking for mildly interesting, incredibly easy classes.

Suggestions?

Ticketmaster is testing you...

2006-03-12T22:34:00.000-07:00

Just browsed Ticketmaster to see Metric prices (steeeeeep) and I was blasted with one of the toughest word verifications I've seen in a while. Maybe it's just me but I had to really think about it before submitting my answer. I dunno, I've had experience with some pretty hard ones before. Any charming anecdotes from the dwindling audience?

2006-03-09T18:36:00.000-07:00

Being brown is contagious.

My cat just ate a sugar coated fennel seed. He really liked it.

2006-03-08T00:00:00.000-07:00

Damn you Google Videos for being such a delicious waste of time

http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=2313437742679492340

2006-03-07T23:53:00.000-07:00

This will have you grinning like an idiot by the end when you realise how insanely amazing it truly is.

http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=4776181634656145640

If "Finding Nemo" Was True to Life:

2006-02-14T22:17:00.000-07:00

If "Finding Nemo" was true to life this is what would happen:

The parents lay their eggs, live in their anemone, everything is happy.

Evil fish tries to steal the eggs, Mom dies defending them, only one remains.

Here is the tricky part that Disney doesn't want you to know:

When the female fish dies, the male fish will undergo...a little transformation.

He will turn into the mom. Capable of laying eggs and everything.

One day Nemo wakes up and his dad, Marlin, is now his mom, Marlene.

But I think that would have freaked the little kiddies out too much.

Just makes you think, what else is Disney keeping from you?

Another picture

2006-02-03T00:58:00.000-07:00

blueapple2, originally uploaded by laurensimpson.

Here's another picture, a little truer to life. By the way, if someone wanted to buy me a smaller, easier camera for when I take such photos, that would be really ok. I mean, Christopher is amazing, but the whole flash card, change lenses, open in Photoshop to convert to JPEG, gets kind of tedious for "snapshots"....

Baby's First Mod!!

2006-02-03T00:51:00.000-07:00

blueapple, originally uploaded by laurensimpson.

So I know this is an easy one, but I'm pretty excited about it. I enjoy the proliferation of the gospel of Mac to the masses, but I start to feel less special when there are like 3 iBooks in one class. Now that I have a blue glowy-logo on mine, I am specialer.

Current Addictions:

2006-01-24T21:50:00.000-07:00

- Sugar-coated fennel seeds
- Mangoes
- Szechuan green beans
- Butter chicken
- Muttar paneer
- Garlic naan
- Canada Dry Raspberry Sparkling Water and/or Lime Perrier
- Definitely NOT coffee

The university situation breeds an addictive personality. Do share...

Fall Semester 2006

2006-01-23T17:03:00.000-07:00

Does anyone know when it starts? I f-ing hate the University Website, can't find anything.

Oh, and on a "civic-duty" note:

I thought of the Conservatives and voted Liberal.

My sister thought of the Liberals and voted NDP.

Not a good sign of the times...Ryan and Ed, better rush out and get the license quick, I feel a chill in the air

*braces for a verbal backlash*

Things I Learned The Very, Very (Very) Hard Way:

2006-01-16T10:52:00.000-07:00

1. Consuming an XL double-double at 5:45AM within a half hour time-frame is ILL advised (note: ILL).

2. Doing this as you are working at an office where you hope to get a part-time job in the near future is even more ILL advised.

3. This is even more ILL advised when you have a weak tummy and a very sensitive gag-reflex (if you are wondering just how sensitive I mean, next time you are around me, put your first in your mouth and I assure you I will start gagging. Stephanie tested this last night...actually, on second thought, please don't do that...especially if I have just had an XL DD)

What a dream...

2006-01-15T14:21:00.000-07:00

screenshot9, originally uploaded by laurensimpson.

I should hope that this would qualify for free shipping...

And thus begins a very serious and challenging 4th year...

2006-01-09T14:35:00.000-07:00

So I'm technically now a 4th Year Student (thus spake BearTracks). I know that all my 3rd year friends will be impressed at the distinguished 4th year now in their group. I also, as a 4th year student, feel it important to give back to my lesser 3rd year friends by giving you a little preview into the very sophisticated world of 4th years. The following are my classes for this semester. Now don't be worried if you can't even understand the names of them, I know they are incredibly complex and perplexing and you probably will get nervous just thinking about them, but that is what us highly-advanced 4th years do.

RELIG 305 - The Ancient Near East
RELIG 274 - Witchcraft and the Occult
SOC 225 - Criminology
PSYCO 435 - Intro to Clinical Psychology
PSYCO 405 - Special Topics: The Psychology of Sex

If you can't tell, and you probably couldn't, I'm actually a Psychology Major and a Classics Minor...clearly...I'd say only one class this semester is something I actually need to take (Clinical Psych) and the rest is just trying to get to 120 credits. Anyone else see something silly in this setup? I mean, I know an Arts Student should know a lot of very random and worthless knowledge but this is just ridiculous. Paying an extra $5,000 or so on Witchcraft courses so that I can finally finish this degree...I hope you Science students know just how lucky you are to be taking something relevant...like Advanced Molecular Physics...or something...

Wait, what am I talking about! I'm taking friggin Witchcraft, Sex and Crime - haha, have a fun semester guys ;)

Beartracks? More like Bear-ass....

2006-01-01T13:17:00.000-07:00

Anyone else waiting an inordinately long time for marks to go up on Beartracks? Rob, Steph and I all are waiting still on marks, and those that I got back in the middle of finals still haven't been put up....

It is frustrating and I'm wondering if something is amiss over there at the U....

Pertaining To The Infamous "SOC 300 Distaster of Fall 2005":

2005-12-14T00:16:00.000-07:00

If you knew anyone who took this course, I'm sure you heard much about it. Even more so if you knew me. I won't expound on the details here, because I need to get back to the rote memorization I am required to perform like some sort of trained monkey/ape (depending on your primate preference). But I cannot warn anyone enough about this course. If you don't believe me, and don't see these stinging, salty tears of mine as true enough proof, then feast your greedy rat-like eyes upon these ratings and fill your glut of the meaty taste of revenge (woah....that was both really dark and really incoherent...all the more proof how terrible of a person this course will turn you into...):
ratemyprofessors.com talks about the spawn of satan

All I Want for Christmas....

2005-12-09T16:22:00.000-07:00

So Christmas is coming up, as well as my birthday...I know you all are stressin' about what to get me. So out of my generous and kind heart I have decided to make it easy. You just all need to pitch in and present me with one of these:
(It's a lens, by the way, not a telescope!)

My new blog

2005-12-05T22:55:00.000-07:00

Yes, my friends, that is correct. I have a new blog. I hope that this one will not go down the drain like so many blogs do (*cough cough* melissa). Those of you who have spoken to me recently might guess what it is about: photography. I know that this blog is boring...and that one probably will be too...but have a look if you wish, hopefully there will be a improvement in my work as the weeks go by! And maybe I'll go from feline models, to human ones...or monkeys, those would be fun!

Link: Memoirs of a Photog

Metric

2005-11-19T13:18:00.000-07:00

metric1bwsmall, originally uploaded by laurensimpson.

Another picture from Metric. I have the colour version of this as well, but I really like the B&W.

All credit goes to Robert for his photog skills in the face of imminent danger.

Screenshot, y'all!

2005-11-18T07:21:00.000-07:00

nowplaying, originally uploaded by laurensimpson.

That nice little counter-widget of mine has done its duty. Now get out there and indulge in a little Harry Potter!!!! Studying is for losers....

And just one question:
Can you dance like a Hippogriff?

Speaking of Metric....

2005-11-11T18:28:00.000-07:00

metric3small, originally uploaded by laurensimpson.

Finally got around to putting some work into the pics we took at Metric. Only were able to get a few before we were shut down by "the man". Also very tough shooting conditions (read: bunch of shithead children that thought that throwing their bodies into each other violently would be a good idea). This is my favorite one....

Big Brother Is Watching....

2005-10-18T18:09:00.000-06:00

Interesting news for those who find things interesting:

It has just been discovered that printer manufacturers such as Xerox, Canon, Epson, Lexmark and HP embed tracking codes in every colour page you print. These are tiny little yellow dots that only show up with a magnifying glass under blue light. This is done voluntarily to help the Secret Service (American article) reduce counterfitting. Or at least that is the guise under which they justify this.

Furthmore, applications such as Photoshop CS (my life and blood) have codes in them now that make it impossible to open files with images of currency. This move was backed by an association representing national banks from Belgium, France, Germany, Italy, Japan, the Netherlands, Sweden, Switzerland, the United Kingdom, the United States, and yes, even Canada. These banks funded the development and implementation of the code.

If this doesn't bother you, it should....

Because remember, next time you want to print out your pro-Communist leaflets covered in pictures of the American $20 dollar bill and stick them on Bush's face while he walks down the street...the Secret Service can track that shit.

But seriously, this is worrisome...

Links to articles:
Printer Code
Photoshop Code

Kicking Ass and Taking Names

2005-10-10T12:24:00.000-06:00

This is a phrase that I don't quite understand....Kicking ass and taking names.....

Is said person first kicking the asses of people and then getting their names? What is the purpose of this? A "brag list"? To ensure the same person does not have their ass kicked twice? Pure innocent curiousity?

Or, is said person taking the names of people to have their ass kicked? Is this to keep things organized and efficient? Where does the phrase come into this situation? It seems reversed. Unless, they kick an ass, take a name, and then kick another ass, in a cyclical pattern.

Ideas?

ANGER, RAGE AND HELLFIRE!!! BRIMSTONE!!!! EXPLOSION!!!! PURPLE!!!!!

2005-10-04T23:31:00.000-06:00

SOME STUPID FUCKERS THINK THEY ARE SO FUCKING IMPORTANT BUT REALLY THEY AREN'T AND I HATE THEM AND THEY ARE SO IDIOTIC AND THEY AREN'T ACTUALLY CANADIANS BUT ARE ACTUALLY DISEASED MAGGOTS PREYING OFF THE NOBLE AND BEAUTIFUL CAUSE OF HARRY POTTER AND IF THIS APOCALYPTIC CASE WORKS (WHICH IT WON'T BECAUSE IT IS RETARDED) I WILL PERSONALLY GO AND SHOVE A 13.5" WAND MADE OF YEW AND PHOENIX FEATHER UP THEIR COLLECTIVE ASSES. AND THAT IS THE WAND OF VOLDE-FUCKING-MORT SO YOU KNOW I'M DEAD ASS FUCKING FUCKER SHIT BUM DAMN SERIOUS.

I'm seriously really mad about this guys....

EDIT: Seriously, I can't even think straight I'm so friggin mad....$40 million....who the fuck do they think they are?

EDIT II: HOLY MOLY INTERNATIONAL TRAILER!!!!. ANYONE WHO DOES NOT WISH TO SUFFER A MOST PAINFUL DEATH BEST NOT PREVENT ME FROM SEEING THIS!

EDIT III: I'm still really really mad and can't concentrate. I'm going to bed. Maybe this was all just a bad dream...

Welcome Christopher!

2005-10-02T21:56:00.000-06:00

lenscaptest, originally uploaded by laurensimpson.

Christopher is the newest addition to the "Lauren spends too much money on gadgets" family.

As you can see here, he is part of the Canon family (the bigger and much sexier brother to Manik's friend, Charles).

He is, in fact, a 10D.

Wanted to test the DOF with Steve's 50mm f/1.8 and it, quite frankly, rocks. (For the blondes out there, I wanted to see how little of the picture could be in focus, which sometimes can be a good thing!)

Up for a challenge, Edward? ;)

Geek Beauty

2005-09-27T22:11:00.000-06:00

Applications running:
- Finder
- Dashboard w/ approx. 11 Widgets
- Word w/ two documents
- iTunes
- Mail (checking every 5 min)
- Safari
- Limewire w/4 downloads
- Photoshop
- Powerpoint
- Terminal
- Quicktime (playing a movie)
- iPhoto
- iMovie
- iDVD

Free Memory: 25 M free
Pageouts: 0!!!!

Now that is priceless...

EDIT: Actually, that costs $300 CAD shipped

Tommy Boy Says:

2005-09-24T10:21:00.000-06:00

Never ask what sort of computer a person uses. If he's a Mac user, he'll tell you. If not, why embarrass him? - Tom Clancy

A Good Song

2005-09-19T22:47:00.000-06:00

You know what is a really good song?

"Open Arms"

You know the one I'm talking about. Where they are all like "heeeeeere I aaaammmmm with ooooooooooopen aaaarrrrrrrrrrms".

I just can't think for the very life of me who could possibly sing it??! It is surely to be one of their biggest hits. Gee willikers (sp?), if only I knew who sings it then maybe I would finally fill this big hole in my heart....

P.S. For those of you who don't understand this post (read: everyone except McCrum who really should understand this one) ignore it and go about your merry lives as if you never even knew this existed. Do what I do. Take some Nyquil (and some Dayquil if you are feeling kicky), get a friend to hold them out and say, in their best deep man voice "You take the green pill, the story ends. You wake up in your bed and you believe whatever you want to believe. You take the orangey-yellow pill, you stay in wonderland. And, I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes...."

We Have A Winner!!!!

2005-09-03T10:16:00.000-06:00

Well, Rob certainly took the cupcake on this one, guys. The man didn't even break a sweat in both naming the song (based on my own Native chanting), AND instantly steering me towards a website that had the artist listed as well.

Truly an astounding feat for what I thought was a pretty tough challenge. Alas, I'll think of another next time I wish to have a song from a lousy kids movie (Quick! Final performance song from "Raise Your Voice!". Ha, now I bet no one has seen that little diamond in the rough!)

Time to go listen to "Return to Innocence" as performed by Enigma!

A Truly Epic Challenge

2005-09-02T19:50:00.000-06:00

This will test either your movies and music capabilities, or else your Google-ing skills.

Recall, if you are so fortunate to be able to to, Disney's "Man of the House", starring none other than Johnathon Taylor Thomas .

You got it? What? You say you haven't seen it? Bullshit. I know you saw it and loved it and kept the VHS for a week past the due date back when there were late charges. Who wasn't in love with JTT back in those days, men included? Honestly now.

Anyway, recall now the scene near the end when they finally have solidified the paternal bond by doing a rain dance and succeeding.

There was some Native sounding music playing...I really like that song but for the life of me I can't figure out what it is called. If you ring me up I can hum the main line for you....

Ok guys, go and find the song! Winner gets 10 metric ounces of love from me.

What to write...what to write...

2005-08-26T23:19:00.000-06:00

Well, my dear friends, it seems like it might just be the end of an era....

With the powerful Tiger OS acting as my Internet caddy (and trust me, it knows the greens like the back of its coded hand) I have taken the liberty of RSS-ing all of your blogs (well, those people whose blogs I read...you know who you are). For those who aren't, as they say, "savvy" with such things, that just means that I will find out if you have updated your page without actually having to put the effort in to click and go there.

Long story short, the updates of all our blogs are few and far between.

I myself am quite a big perpatrator of this trend. I remember those good old days when I would weave tales with the grace and elegance of a swan....or......or a good writer of stories. Laughter would ring across the digital hills as mundane events of my day were elevated to entertaining proportions simply through hyperboles and selective retelling (and embellishments, naturally).

But now, I simply post some pictures and call it a day.

(Interjection: I NEED SOME MORE G-DAMN RAM!!!!!)

Perhaps I have lost a lot of my large and far-reaching audience through this carefree attitude. Apologies to those who have lost their faith in me, I never meant for any of this to happen....

What have I been up to lately, you ask, to pull me from the intimate world of blogging?

Well, with the arrival of Stuart (my new computer) I have discovered a new and profound interest in digital photography editing. Strike out interest and replace it with obsession...

Photoshop has always been a dark mistress of mine but these past couple of weeks I have learned so many things that completely astound me, and there is a friggin tome of knowledge out there that I have yet to delve into.

I have been spending my free nights browsing forums for tips and advice, and just looking at pictures to get a sense of what I like and what compells me.

I thought I might share some of this with you all, to give you a sense of what has pulled me away from you. I think that when you see what magnificent images can be produced out of seemingly nothing, you will be impressed. Note that I am an amateur in the purest sense of the word and my head swims at everything I still have to learn. But in just two seconds anyone could really take a decent picture and make it good. Put some more time into it and a better knowledge of Photoshop and now we are cooking with Crisco.

So last night I gave my first shot at people photography. I tend to sift through my iPhoto library (it is sitting at around 2500 pictures at the moment) until something inspires me. Last night I found a picture from my sister's graduation in the spring and decided to spruce it up.

So here is the picture I started with.

Kind of a crappy picture. Bad colour, shiny faces, washed out details and eyes. But I liked the pose and thought that I could work with it. I started at it with a few breaks to look up tutorials (since I hadn't really done retouching before) and this is what I finished with. I really like the result:

So there is a lot of improvement to make in my technique and a lot of tools I still really need to learn how to use. But I think I have a good foundation going. Anyway, that is enough of me boring you all with my new interest. I am currently entertaining the idea that I might make photography and editing more than just an interest...but that plan is still in the works.

So next time I promise I'll write something funny. This is just something that I feel is almost bursting out of me and I am compelled to share it because it excites me so much.

Until later, may the force be with you.

(Oh, and I know you all want to know what I think about the new Death Cab CD (yes of course I DL'd an advance torrent of it. Well my very thought was that I was disappointed because it was "safe" Death Cab. But the more I listen the more I notice how it is subtle, but still amazing. Anyone want to fly me to Vancouver so I can see them? We can start a fund or something!)

Holy moly!!!

2005-08-14T19:28:00.000-06:00

Let the countdown begin:
95 days, 5 hrs, 32 mins, 5 seconds

Shout Outs Aplenty!

2005-08-08T21:45:00.000-06:00

So I have to give some more props here because I just recently found myself in a sticky situation and was eased gracefully out of it by the humble and gentle giant we know as Apple Computers.

As you very well know, I was in the market for a new computer. Forums and boards were visited, hours were spent agonizing and comparing and I finally came to a solid conclusion to get the iMac G5 with the 20" monitor (note: this decision was solidified when I went to Compusmart and actually saw the beauty in real life). I paid for Stuart, as he is affectionately called, and was ready to take advantage of the deal that Apple has on called "Student Union". Basically, you buy a qualifying computer (mine fell squarely into that category) and you get a free 4GB iPod mini. Sweet deal, I thought. Those of you who know me (read: everyone who still reads this blog) will say: "But you already have a 4GB mini you iPod whore!". Truth in those words. However, Robert does not have one and I was ready to generously donate the new one to his cause (i.e. being without one....).

So I order the computer and give myself some time to mull over colour and size of said mini. The other night I went online to order this prince of portability and decided, on a whim, to download the rebate coupon and read the paragraphs of "fine print".

SHOCK AND DISMAY ENSUED!!!!

It said that the computer and the iPod HAD to be ordered AT THE VERY SAME EXACT INSTANT IN TIME AND SPACE in order to qualify for the rebate. I felt sick to my tummy, I kid you not. I was very upset and so Robert and I decided to launch a campaign. Phone calls got us nowhere so we went back to where this all started:

The Internet.

We sent out three essays in three different feedback forms, and one essay to an Apple Promotions email address (that was a different company that handled their promotions, incidentally).

I'll include the essay here. Feel free to skip it, but I think it is a fine example of how to deal with such an instance. Firm but not hostile. Fine reading indeed:

Support Subject : Order Status
Sub Issue : Change or cancel your order
Comments : I recently purchased a 20"iMac from this website. I was excited to learn of your free iPod promotion. This promotion combined with my student discount made choosing Apple an easy choice. I orderd the computer and intended to purchase the iPod at a later date. Imagine my frustration upon reading the fine print; that being that the iPod must be purchased with the computer in order to be elegible for the mail in rebate.

I have already phoned the Apple hotline and they have referred me to the rebate center. I realize that this feedback form may not be the right place to solve the problem but I take issue with how you presented the free iPod rebate.

The information found in the fine print of the rebate regarding the simultaneous purchase of both computer and iPod was crucial information that should have been clearly advertised. The coupon was something to be used after the products were recieved. Beyond that, the pages featuring the iPod rebate make it seem like you just buy the computer and are then given a free iPod; "Students, buy a qualifying Mac and get a free iPod mini after mail-in rebate". It doesn't make it clear that both computer and iPod must be purchased at the same time. I understand this information is in the terms and conditions found in the PDF file but I strongly believe that this key fact should have been advertised on the same pages as the promotion. But when you read further information like; "It's simple. Visit your campus computer store, the Apple Store online or an Apple Store near you. Choose an iBook, PowerBook, iMac or Power Mac, then select your favourite 4GB iPod mini. Or you can apply your !
$225 savings toward the purchase of a higher priced iPod. But act now. This offer is good only through September 24, 2005" it doesn't turn out to be that simple at all. In a sentence which says "THEN select your favorite iPod" it's difficult to interpret the need to buy them at the same time.

Now when I get my iMac I may not be able to open it. I'll have to send it back in order to get a refund and attempt to take advantage of this offer. The amount it will cost me to ship back my iMac may not be worth the iPod and that upsets me greatly. I hope there are other options available to me, and that whoever is reading this e-mail can forward it to the proper persons. After spending more than $2500 at Apple and in fact being a returning customer (as I already have a 12"iBook) its frustrating to be left high and dry over a matter like this.

My opinion of Apple customer service is starting to sour, and it stands in stark contrast to the excellent products I have come to expect from Apple. I sincerely hope this matter can be addressed and resolved quickly as I'm anxious to begin enjoying my new computer and hopefully my new iPod.

Sincerely,
Lauren Simpson

[This was co-written with Rob so I must give a lot of credit to him]

So anyway, this morning I get an email from the Apple Promotions group saying: "Please note that we sent your issue to
Apple to see if they would make an exception for you . They have advised
us that the promotion start/end dates are clear, and there will not be any
exceptions."

"You dumb fucks! It had nothing to do with the start/end dates!!" I thought, very loudly and angrily, to myself (I was getting very frustrated at this point because my computer was due to arrive today and I didn't want to have to send it back to get the deal)

Almost instantly, I heard a *DING* signalling a new email. I check the inbox and voila!!

"Dear Lauren,

Thank you for contacting Apple.

Apple welcomes your comments and suggestions. Customer feedback is vital to Apple's goal of improving Apple products and services.

Please advise the color of the iPod mini so that Apple may adjust your order. "

ELATION AND JOY!!

I emailed back to "advise the color" and by the early afternoon I had a new pink (Rob likes pink. He is very secure with his masculinity) 4GB iPod mini magically as part of my original order placed a week ago.

I just wanted to let everyone know that Apple really does have killer customer service if you approach them properly. Some people scream and complain and then are upset that no one gives a shit that they tried to give their Powerbook a bath and "it don't work good no more". Not only are the products superb (still waiting on that iMac though! Waiting is the hardest part), but they really do care and bend the rules if you subtely hint at false advertising.

Cheers to Apple!

Shout Out To My Girl

2005-08-02T18:03:00.000-06:00

Here's a shout out to Louise McKinney for being all awesome and stuff.

To elaborate on that: thanks to her I will be sent a cool $2,500 that will immediately be passed on to my parents to pay them back for...

A new computer! Woo hoo!

iMac G5 to be precise.

Soon...oh so soon....

Oh Yeah

2005-07-26T11:51:00.000-06:00

Robert, originally uploaded by laurensimpson.

Oh, and you might be wondering what the best part of the whole trip was.

Well here is the undeniable answer:

Getting to share the experience with this guy right here.

Return of the Conquering Hero

2005-07-26T10:18:00.000-06:00

Remember that last post about getting to and from airports? And about how many decisions must be made?

We went to the airport to catch our flight from Rome to Paris.

The wrong airport, for starters.

About 4 hours later we made it to the correct airport.

It's a good story, but one best told in person. Which I can do now because, as you may have guessed, I have returned!

Being back in Edmonton now for around 16 hours, I already wish I was elsewhere. It's a hard reality to face, that I will be in this city for another couple years (and that is all, I hope). Certainly there are many things that make being here a bit easier - friends, people who speak English, lack of tourist hordes trampling all that stands in their way...

But there is no sense of history, no tangible culture (aside from the culture of fast food and capitalism). I know that I will not turn a corner here and stumble across a monument that has stood for centuries.

But all that being said, I'm happy that I am back with friends who will eagerly look over pictures with me. I'm back where internet is free and always accessible, tap water drinkable, and showers that consist of, well, more than just a hand held hose.

I've posted a few pictures up here that I like. I think we totalled somewhere around 600, but the final count hasn't yet come in. These pictures are only the ones from my camera, which was used as a bit of a backup, due to lack of manual control ( sometimes I just want to change the aperture for God's sake!). They are a bit of a teaser because the really good ones are on Rob's camera and I haven't gotten my hands on them yet.

Anyway, I'm starving and going to take advantage of free food at home.

Welcome back, me.

La Tour d'Eiffel

2005-07-26T09:46:00.000-06:00

La Tour d'Eiffel, originally uploaded by laurensimpson.

Moulin Rouge

2005-07-26T09:45:00.001-06:00

Moulin Rouge, originally uploaded by laurensimpson.

Clouds Over San Pietro

2005-07-26T09:45:00.000-06:00

Clouds Over San Pietro, originally uploaded by laurensimpson.

Throwing Rocks

2005-07-26T09:44:00.000-06:00

Throwing Rocks, originally uploaded by laurensimpson.

Temple of Athena Parthenos

2005-07-26T09:43:00.000-06:00

Temple of Athena Parthenos, originally uploaded by laurensimpson.

One of the most impressive sites of the trip, to be certain. Pictures can't really convey just how huge and overwhelming the temple is.

A Good Thing Slowly Comes To An End

2005-07-18T06:07:00.000-06:00

So it is the last day here in Rome. We went into the Vatican Museum, saw the Sistine Chapel, St.Peter's Square and Basilica, took a look at the Colosseum, Trajan's Column, the Roman Forum, etc. and etc.

It has been nearly a month now that I have been travelling, though I don't feel drained or tired of the process. It certainly isn't easy at times and can be incredibly frustrating. Let me give you a quick example of how easily something you imagine to be an easy process can be rather difficult.

You want to go from Rome to Paris. You manage to find a decent place to stay in each city (which in itself is a difficult feat, I assure you). You also manage to procure a reasonably cheap flight between the two cities, saving you the trouble of spending the day on a hot and crowded train. You are the master! However, there is much more to consider.

You arrive in Rome and now need to get from the airport to your place (hotel/hostel/campground/cardboard box). Is the airport within the city or do you have to take a train into the center of town? How much for this train? Do you have enough cash on your person to pay for the tickets? Do you have to pay extra for your luggage?

Ok so you find out you need to take a train (The Leonardo Express, as it were) into the center of town to the main train station, then (luckily for you the place you are staying gave some directions on how to get there) you need to take a metro and then a train. You buy the tickets (student discount? Do you have your student card on you?). Now you need to figure out where the train leaves from, what side of the tracks you need to be on.

You figure it out and get on the train. Can you sit just anywhere? Is there reserved seating? Did you have to pay more for a compartment? Don' forget to keep your ticket incase someone checks and you don't want a 100 Euro fine.

You get to the main train station. Where do you buy tickets for the Metro? How long are you staying in that city? Does it make financial sense to get a pass? Do you need some ID or perhaps a picture of yourself? Do you have enough cash to buy a pass at this point, or only enough for a ticket and you will have to get the pass later?

So the pass makes sense and you don't need a picture, and you have enough money, so you get one. Now you have to figure out which line to take, and which direction of train you need. You also need to find the right entrance to that line. How do you use this ticket? Do you need to put it through a machine to get in or just get on the train and they will check for it randomly? Do you have to validate it?

You find the right train, get on it, have you ticket validated. It can be really packed on those metros and there is a lot of pickpocketing so you should have made sure that all your valuables were in locked pockets before you got into the station. Make sure you keep everything close to you and also make sure you actually get on the train (though don't worry, someone will kindly shove you in and generously make way for themselves in the process).

So you manage to squeeze your way out at the proper stop (harder than it seems sometimes). You find the uscita (exit) and get up on the street. Now you need the train (our notes appeared to say tram so we had a bit of a problem finding the nonexistant train and finally found the train station). Which direction does your train go in? Does your pass work for those as well? Do you need to validate again or just the once? Does it stop at your stop automatically or do you need to press the button?

You manage to haul your huge packs (don't forget you were carrying these the whole time) off the train at the correct stop that the directions told you to get off on. Now which way do you go? Left, right, behind you, ahead? Do you have any clue at all or are you just going to wander with these heavy bags? Will you ask someone? Is there anyone around to even ask?

So miraculously you find the place within the half hour. Can you check in yet? If not will they keep your bags until you can? Do you have enough cash to pay up front or are you going to leave your passport with them?

Then you have to figure out how to get back to the airport in time for your flight, then do the exact same thing when you get to Paris (though their metro systems seems like it is 100 times more complicated than any other, so you have to factor that in as well).

Oh and don't forget luggage weight restrictions and customs control!

Not quite as simple as it all seems, and though I just made it sound like a nightmare (and at the time in 35 degree heat it certainly can seem like one) you get rid of the bags, head into town and stumble, quite accidently, upon the Piazza de Spagna, home of the Spanish Steps, Dior, Versace, and every other major designer you can think of. And you get some kick ass kiwi gelato.

Totally worth it if only for the gelato.

Start planning your next trip because I already am!

Lauren from Rome.

A Comedy of Errors

2005-07-03T12:18:00.000-06:00

We are currently in Santorini in the Cyclades in Greece. We got here today from Mykonos, the first island we visited. All in all, Budapest went fairly smoothly, we went to the baths, we walked around for 4 hours in sweltering heat looking for these infamous caves (props to Rob the Master Navigator on that one). We found them...were disappointed...and were walking dejectedly back up the hill (which was against my "If we are lost we only walk downhill" policy, by the way) and Rob stops. I'm totally dying of exhaustion here and all of a sudden I hear him exclaim:

"We can make it"

"What?" asked I.

"We can make it to these other ones here!"

I then proceeded to soundly beat him with my sweater that I had been using to cover my third-degree sunburn on my shoulders.

After I felt that he had paid his debt for giving us the deluxe foot tour of Buda, he then told me that we could make it to the more exciting sounding caves. The catch? They were "only 500m away" but we would have to run a bit to make sure we catch the last tour of the day. We start going and that is when the story always changes:

"So maybe it is more like 1 km"

In the end, we really did run about a kilometer to get to these caves. They were more interesting than the first set, though there was no fabled fountain of wine.

From this little setback unfolded a myriad of more little twists in the plot...

Standing in line in the airport in Budapest, boarding the plane to Athens:

Rob: Today is the 29th right?
Me: No, it's the 28th.
Rob: Are you sure, I think it is the 29th.
Me: I'm sure, I booked all the flights and today is the 28th.
Rob: So that means we get into Andros on the 29th?
Me: Yep.
Rob: But we only booked the hotel on the 30th...
Me: So we have nowhere to stay then?
Rob: Pretty much.
Me: Huh.

(We decided to just go to the island a day early anyway, hoping we could find something when we got there)

Waking up in Athens to catch the early bus to the port city of Rafina to get to Andros:

Rob: Fuck!
Me: What?
Rob: It's 6:30! (Note: We had planned to wake up at 5:30 to catch the bus at 6:10)
Me: Huh.

(Rob had changed the time to Athens time on his watch, but not on the cell phone. He set the alarm on the cell phone.)

Getting to Rafina, watching a ferry sailing away, then heading into the ticket office to inquire when the next ferry left for Andros:

Ticket Agent: Next ferry to Andros, 5:00.
Me: Huh.

(It was around 8:45AM. We spent the day sitting in a little cafe thing reading and waiting for our ferry to Andros)

Sitting on the ferry to Andros after we had pulled into port, waiting to be told that we could get off the ferry:

Intercom Announcer: All visitors must now leave the ferry, as the boat is ready to leave the dock.
Rob: We're visitors! The boat makes other stops after this!
(Cut to us running through the ferry with all our bags, trying to find the exit in the friggin LABRINTH of a ferry. We finally found the exit, roped off)
Rob to Ferry Man: Andros?
Ferry Man: Andros? (Shakes head at stupid tourists) No, now you go to Mykonos
Rob: Mykonos.
Me: Huh.

(So we sat down for another 3 hours to go to Mykonos. We never did make it to Andros...even though we only paid to go to Andros)

At the famed "Paradise Beach" in Mykonos:

(Note: The book called it beautiful and sandy. It was crowded and in this case, sand = large sharp pebbles)
Me: It looks like there is a spot down on the other end of the beach without all these chairs and umbrellas, let's walk down there.
(Cut to us stumbling down this pebbly beach. We arrive at the far end of the beach and are met with a bit of a surprise.)
Rob: Well....this seems to be the more...hedonistic side of the beach....
(Cut to shots of a lot of naked people. I suppose you could call it "paradise"....if your idea of paradise is a plethora of naked old men in various stages of obesity)
Me: Huh.

(We walked back to the tame side.)

We've gotten lost more times than I can recall, have been showing up at the islands without anywhere to stay, have gotten on buses that we had no clue where they were going, couldn't find ourselves on any map of any sort...I bet even Google Maps couldn't have found us. We've eaten things that we couldn't pronounce the names of, some was really good, some was really nasty. We have shot ouzo on an empty stomach out of shot glasses, on a full stomach out of the lid of a Nalgene bottle. All in all it has been quite the trip, and we aren't even in halfway.

Oh and by the way, no matter whether the announcer speaks in Hungarian or Greek when he introduces it...

Don't funk with my heart always means the same thing.

[Rob's Disclaimer: Despite all of the above mishaps, she still kisses me before we fall asleep and she's still in the same bed when I wake up in the morning.]

Zarva

2005-06-24T12:31:00.000-06:00

In Hungarian, zarva means closed. I would have to say that it is the word that I have become most familiar with these past few days.

In short, I could teach a course on everything one should not do when trying to avoid jet lag. Immediately upon arriving at our very nice room, I promptly took a 6 hour nap. A quick tour of Budapest (by night, of course) and back to bed around 11:30. Before we had reached Budapest we were in the London Luton airport for 14 hours waiting for our next flight. Every single chair had armrests, so needless to say in the previous 30 hours I had slept about 5. You would think that this would mean that my first night in Budapest in a real bed with real pillows would involve many hours of sleep. After waking up around 4am and not being able to get back to bed, I knew that this jet lag thing would stick around for a while.

Enter another 7 hour nap around noon and another tour of Budapest (at night). Around 2am we knew that sleep wasn't going to come easy, so we decided to take a sleeping pill to try and make sure we got some sleep.

At about 2pm in the afternoon the next day we finally dragged ourselves out of bed, and believe me, that was a hard thing to do.

So in the end, I have yet to really explore any shops of Budapest because by the time I get out into the city, Zarva is all that I see.

That being said, I still have been having an amazing time here. Today we went to one of the numerous thermal bath establishments and it was just amazing. Picture a large palace type building. Place an open-air courtyard in the center of the building, and then put warm, thermal pools in the middle. Fountains and flowers and tons of Speedos abound, and you have the baths. There were also the more medicinal baths and steam rooms complete with menthol steam inside this palacial building. We were both feeling really ill while waiting to get inside and I was pretty close to just wanting to pack it in but after a couple hours in the place, I felt great and ready to devour some gelato.

The gelato alone is probably a great reason to come to Budapest. The flavours are incredible, texture is unbeatable, and the price is ridiculous. It is usually 120 forints per scoop. That works out to around 67 cents....I have been eating it every day and plan to indulge in much more before we leave. Just before coming to this internet place I had two scoops of "Tropical Fruit". The tub had a slice of starfruit in it! Man it was amazing. I figure that I'm getting my dairy from it, and with the amount of walking we've been doing the calories don't even have a chance to mingle before they are expended.

We've been getting some amazing pictures and the city is incredibly beautiful. We wandered across the Danube last night (Budapest is actually two cities, Buda and Pest, seperated by the river). We walked up a hill and came to the Royal Palace. It seemed like they were filming a movie or practicing for an event of some sort. We wandered around for a bit and as we were about to leave this laser light show in a mist started up and it was nuts! I felt like I needed a glow stick and some E to start raving. They had a bunch of lasers and they made it look like there was a 3D revolving globe and all sorts of crazy stuff. Then the fire started to shoot up and I felt like I was in a J-Lo video (quick, name the video!).

Not much else to report. Oddly enough, the first song I heard was "Don't Funk With My Heart" and it is pretty strange to hear all these english songs. We don't have too much trouble getting by with just English, though I feel really guilty about it. Imagine a mix of German and Japanese, and that is what Hungarian sounds like. I can't even try to guess what the words mean so it is really comforting to know that we can usually get back. Although, trying to get a SIM card for my cell phone, and then trying to figure out how to get it to work, was a little difficult. "Two scoops" is something everyone seems to understand though, and that is all that is really important right now.

Next stop is Greece in about 3 days? I don't even know, and neither does Rob. It is nice to have these days complete free and relaxed and we can just wander around and not have any place to be. When you are in a stuffy line-up waiting to get into baths with people yelling "Cubby!" at you and motioning as if you should clearly understand them, Hungarians yelling at each other and the guards acting as if guarding some priceless treasure and all you want to do is see some friggin water, you can't help but wish you were in a tour group with a translater to whisk you through such situations with ease and grace. But the stress of the line was definitely the last thing on our minds as we walked out into the courtyard. If any of you ever consider going around Europe (which you should, and I've only been to one city and I can definitely say it is worth all the stress and confusion) try to do it yourself, and not on a tour. Tours can be fine, but the ability to wake up at 2PM if you just have to, and to get ice cream every 10 minutes if that tickles your fancy is worth having to plan.

That's all from Budapest for now. Hopefully internet will be as easy to find in the rest of the exotic locales, and as cheap. Hope everyone is doing well in their varying locations.

- Situational Comedy on Location in Budapest

Budapest

2005-06-22T12:54:00.000-06:00

is awesome.

That is all.

Don't you wish you were here.

Yeah, I knew ya did.

A Now For Something A Little More Positive

2005-06-08T01:02:00.000-06:00

The last post was really negative (though necessary). It was just one of those really shitty days. Work sucked, traffic was terrible every time I turned onto the next street, I dropped my candy from the bank under the car seat (and it was blue too, blue ones always rock). My library card was expired, I forgot to eat the last macaroon chocolate that was waiting for me on my lap while I read in my mom's office. I didn't notice this error and in the warmth of the day it certainly was a large mistake. When I entered London Drugs (noooooooo, not before I got inside, but well after passing through the doors) I realised that the chocolate had melted all over the crotch area of my jeans. I just know you are laughing. Seriously, today could have given a sitcom writer enough material for a whole season. I hooked my thumb around the belt buckle of my jeans and tried to appear as though casually sauntering (because when you have your hand hooked on your belt-loop or belt-buckle, you must always saunter) through the store, and NOT as though I had chocolate all over myself.

It was just a bad day. To top it off I've put my itinerary through complete overhaul and spent the morning seriously stressing about how I would make it work. I was really worried about it.

Until now, when it all has fallen into place.

It took about the last 5 hours of solid research, including a few hours this morning, but it seems to have come together. I will now indulge you all in Lauren's Europe Itinerary v.5.0 (seriously, I have had so many itineraries. The last one was solidified for a while, until I decided to cut one country, 4 cities, and add an entire tour of another country. Not an easy feat).

This was the original:
Date Place
Jun.20 Flight to London, overnight
Jun.21 Flight to Budapest, overnight
Jun.22 Day in Budapest
Jun.23 Day in Budapest
Jun.24 Day in Budapest
Jun.25 Train to Vienna, overnight
Jun.26 Day in Vienna
Jun.27 Day in Vienna, train to Venice (possibly night train)
Jun.28 Day in Venice
Jun.29 Train to La Spezia, to Cinque Terre
Jun.30 Day in Cinque Terre
Jul.1 Day in Cinque Terre
Jul.2 Day in Cinque Terre
Jul.3 Train to Rome
Jul.4 Day in Rome
Jul.5 Day in Rome
Jul.6 Day in Rome
Jul.7 Day in Rome
Jul.8 Train to Florence
Jul.9 Daytrip to Pisa
Jul.10 Day in Florence
Jul.11 Train to Paris
Jul.12 Day in Paris
Jul.13 Day in Paris
Jul.14 Day in Paris
Jul.15 Day in Paris

Here is the new one. The decision for the change took place over the past two days. The old one was fine, and I was really excited. But looking at the pictures, reading the guidebooks, I'm not going to lie to you - I was almost crying with disappointment this morning when I didn't know if I could make it work, and now with happiness that I know I can.

The New Itinerary

Jun.20 : Flight to London
Jun. 21: Arrive in London, sleep in the airport
Jun. 22: Flight to Budapest
Jun. 23: Budapest
|
Jun. 27: Budapest
Jun.28: Flight to.........ATHENS!!!!!!!
Jun.29: Greece
|
Jul.12: Greece (details obviously not yet worked out, I have a lot of research on the islands to do. I figure a couple days in Athens, hit up Santorini (pictures of this place almost make me cry), Mykonos...still have to figure this part out)
Jul.13: Ferry to Rome
Jul.14: Rome
|
Jul. 18: Rome
Jul.19: Flight to Paris
Jul. 20: Paris
|
Jul. 23: Paris
Jul. 24: To London
Jul. 25: Home :*(

Just writing out that has me nuts with excitement. This change has transformed the entire trip and I feel like it was the complete right thing to do. I got all caught up with seeing a bunch of different places that I was going to miss out on the place that I think could very well be my favorite. Seriously, for me a coffee shop in Vienna could never come close to seeing the Parthenon.

So now the whole crappy day is behind me and I can't even imagine being pissed off right now. I'm on a serious high after getting all the flights figured out. This is going to be really, really good.

12 days, 10 hours, 32 minutes and 40 seconds to go...

Rant

2005-06-07T21:31:00.000-06:00

I wondered if I should write this post that I had been planning to write since this morning. Harbour the anger, or just let it fade. But if it saves others from the ridiculous shit I went through today then it is worth it.

Today I was snapped at.

At work a lady snapped her fingers at me to signal that the food I was carrying was hers (it wasn't in the end).

I was absolutely livid.

These women golf at our course every week, and just about every week they eat in our clubhouse. But do they really have respect for those of us who work there? Not a chance.

They complain to us about the prices. Do you think I get to set the prices? And do you think I would set them so high if I knew people like you were going to bitch to me about it all day? Not bloodly likely.

They tip like shit. I'm not saying they all do this, there are a handful (like a baby's handful) of those who tip maybe 7%. Most don't tip us at all. I literally run around (today I was sprinting around, I kid you not) and make like $20 for an 8 hour shift. If you can afford to pay ridiculous amounts to golf every week, I think you can afford to leave that loonie (or even that single quarter I gave you in change) in the jar.

So here is what I'm saying. Respect your servers. I'm lucky enough that I'm not working this job to pay for school and rent. But a lot of people in the industry do work for that. They work their asses off and have to deal with bastards all day long.

Respect is absolutely number one. Smile to your server. Listen to them talking (yes, that is a real person talking to you). Say please and thank you and if you have to ask them to go out of their way for you, be incredibly gracious. If you bark at them to "Zap it" (in reference to a muffin) chances are high that they are going to spit on it. If you complain about prices and say that you will never eat there again and then rudely request that your basted eggs are soft, you can be sure that they aren't going to give a fuck if you even get eggs.

I understand that some people can't afford to tip a lot. Things are different when I know they just forked out 50 bucks to golf, but if they are just in a restaurant I can understand it. A lot of times beings incredibly kind and showing that you appreciate your server will help them to brush off a smaller tip.

But if you don't tip at all, you are a bastard.

Server's make low, low wages. This is because they work for tips (wow! crazy how that works!). If you can walk into a restaurant, or my clubhouse, and shell out 10 dollars for a salad, you can afford to leave a twoonie behind.

Maybe your server was a little distant, not insanely cheery or bouncing up and down at the chance to toast the sandwich that has already been made and cut for you (this request was made of me today). But don't you dare think that is an excuse not to tip them. They probably have been dealing with assholes all day and trust me, it is one of the hardest things in the world to try to put that smile back on when you were just tipped 0.5% and you busted your ass.

This post is to any random reader, as well as all my regulars. I assure you that if I notice you cutting out on your tip I will be blatantly rude and call you on it. I know you can all afford it. I'll also be pretty damn pissed off.

Next time you are in a restaurant be insanely nice to your server. Tip them really well. You have no idea how great it is to have one really amazing table. It can really undo 10 tables of bastards.

Today I made $6.

That will buy me one bottle of water in Rome.

The Great Competition

2005-05-26T11:32:00.000-06:00

This is a competition for all of those who have the great misfortune of dealing in what one might call "service of the public". That is to say, these poor individuals find themselves dealing with people (the vast majority of which can safely be classified as incredibly stupid) day in and day out. As a result of this forced interaction many interesting stories can be told about the limitless insanity and general oddity of the public.

I now submit my entry into the "Funniest/Most Retarded Thing A Customer Has Ever Said To Me" competition.

This "fine" gentleman of roughly 50 years (note that this is a sarcastic epithet) had bought his ho-cho (hot chocolate for those of you (read: everyone) who aren't up on my fantastically witty lingo) with the inquiry that refills were free.

"Fucked if I know" I thought to myself, and chuckled inwardly at how little I know about the rules of this establishment that I have now worked at for two seasons.

"Sure" I reply and he smiles sadistically. 20 seconds later he returns with his mug nearly empty. My thought was that this bastard filled up his buddy's cup and came to get his own. People are really that cheap at my course and so I definitely was not thrilled by this development. He seemed triumphant when he requested his free refill from the "bottomless hot chocolate pot".

I give him a quizzical look with a hint of disapproval and say, with an air of suspicious disbelief, "That was fast".

"I was really dry", comes the reply and immediately I wish I had never asked.

So I begin to fill up the mug from the machine. It is one of those bad boys that simply mix powder with hot water with the press of a button. Technology is amazing.

So, due to entry of a hot liquid into a cooler environment (the cup) combined with the presence of a powdered substance (the ho-cho mix), it is easy to imagine that there would be steam coming up from this beverage.

In mid-pour he comments:

"Hot and steamy".

It is hard to really convey via mere text the disturbing tone with which he put this little quip out into the world. Needless to say it was pretty creepy and I probably produced an inadvertant eyebrow-raise along with a facial expression that could only mean "What the fuck is that supposed to mean, you dirty disgusting man?"

Little did I know that this was only the beginning of the oddity that was to ensue.

I failed to retort to this comment and so he continued.

Brace yourself, for the following events come straight from the realm of truth.

"Hot and steamy.....Like elephant urine..."

Yes, my faithful readers, he compared hot chocolate to elephant urine.

In the stunned silence that was my disbelief, he continued to inquire:

"Have you ever seen an elephant pee?"

Sources have told me that as my face turned a vibrant shade of red, something in the area of #FF0000, I managed to stutter a "No..."

"...3 gallons..." was his reply.

By this time the cup was full and I shakily handed it to him and he left. My co-worker who had just witnessed the proceedings left to the back room and I put my head on the counter and attempted to achieve something modelling decorum.

When such a state was found to be completely impossible, I then followed her to the back and we engaged in raucous laughter to the point where my manager had to come and see what was going on.

To complete this character sketch, the same man later asked my co-worker for another refill (the total was 4 cups of ho-cho) and when he told her to only fill it halfway, his reasoning was that he had "almost reached [his] saturation point".

So that is my entry. I look forward to other fantastical stories that may surface, for I know that a good deal of you also deal with the legally insane (aka. the general public).

A Devious Plot

2005-05-22T22:31:00.000-06:00

Today I stood beside the dishwasher and took a deep sniff.

Nothing.

Just as I had suspected.

The marketing geniuses who pander to our five senses and our five cents have done it again. They have effectively created demand for a product that has absolutely no practical use.

Scented dishwasher detergent.

My dishes don't smell like green apple, and there isn't a delightfully delicate scent wafting through my kitchen.

So why the hell make this spinoff product from normal dishwashing detergent?

Because people (like my family) will buy it. It is just ridiculous.

Now excuse me whilst I go moisturize with berry vanilla flavoured face cream and rinse my contacts with strawberry solution (that doesn't actually exist...I'm just being facetious).

Bitter Politics

2005-05-18T11:17:00.000-06:00

Politics is an illusion of the moment. The general public suffers from ADHD when it comes to political scandal and unrest, and in light of the Belinda defection their reaction points to the fact that they have failed to take their Ritalin.

After reading the third of the Journal's A-section dedicated to the occurence, and reading the phrase "synonymous with corruption" one too many times, I felt like I either had to find Lorne Gunther and punch him in his face, or write something.

How quickly the populace forgets about rampant corruption in the CONSERVATIVE camp. Has everyone forgotten about the misspending of Ralph Klein? I'm not on the up-and-up when it comes to obscure political history and facts, so I'm sure anyone could easily list off about 100 instances in which the ivory reputation the Conservatives are currently trying to paint for themselves is quickly sullied. All I know is that the average Canadian has the attention span of a gnat when it comes to politics, and they believe whatever they are told by those they support. If they are told that Webster's has now added "The Canadian Liberal Party" to the definition of corruption, you can bet your buttons that they will hold up that dictionary like a bible thumper at a pro-traditional marriage rally.

The problem isn't just in accusations of corruption. What has me all riled up is how the Conservatives are treating the Belinda issue. Obviously they will start a slander campaign, that was to be expected. However the manner in which they conducted it is so nauseating. I definitely think that the Conservative platform in general is less accepting towards the equality of women and men. It's kind of inherent in conservative (with a small-c here folks) values. That kind of goes hand in hand in hating gays and the environment and poor people. I see the staunch denial of the woman's right to choose by male party leaders as ridiculous because they could never understand the situation. I could get myself elected into high-level politics and decide that every month each Canadian citizen should be kicked in the groin region. I think I could handle it ok, it's not like it hurts all that much for me. I'm sure my male counterparts would be quite upset about that particular piece of legislation, on the other hand. I know it's a retarded analogy, but I'm just saying that it's an issue that men can't completely understand and the fact that they think they can legitimately force women to bear these children signals to me that they don't respect women as equals who should be allowed to make their own decisions. Obviously I'm deviating grossly here and getting into some contentious waters. I don't think abortion is a black and white, choice or not, situation - I do think that the Conservatives don't feel like they have to be sympathetic to the female point of view. They clearly have some sexist viewpoints and right now we are seeing that.

The slander campaign on Belinda focuses on the fact that she is female, there is no doubt about this. She has been called a ditz, an airhead, she is ridiculed based solely on the fact that she has good fashion sense, it is just revolting. Stephen Harper insults her intelligence, saying complexity isn't her strongsuit. I seem to remember her being instrumental in the creation of the party you are running right now, Stephen. I also seem to remember fucking IPSOS-REID agreeing with her that calling an election last week would have been a stupid move on the part of the Conservatives. IPSOS-REID for god's sake!

So now I've just created a fairly random rant that spirals around many issues and lands back somewhere in the rough vicinity of where I started. Here's a recap:

- Belinda is cool
- Stephen Harper can go and vigorously apply his weasley face into a brick wall
- I can't write about politics because I get all steamed up
- I should run the country, goddammit
- Conservatives are just normal people who are really stupid and hate a lot of other people
- I like cake and Star Wars

Reasons Why Today Was A Good Day:

2005-05-17T23:27:00.000-06:00

1. I only had to work for 3 hours. And for 1.5 of those hours I watched golf infomercials and the BSB on Ellen. I really do want it that way.

2. I had some delicious banana and chocolate chip pancakes. Definitely fantastic, they could make any day good.

3. I got new shoes.

4. In 24 hours I will be seated in a theatre waiting for Episode III to start. 12:03 baby, 12:03.

5. One word: Belinda. Just say it. Belinda. It just rolls off your tongue. Beliiiiinnnnnnnda. I knew there was a reason I always liked her. I think if I had seen it happen I might have gotten a little misty eyed.

That is all. And how about we see some updates people. Dio mio!

"Believe The Hype"

2005-05-09T23:45:00.000-06:00

First reviews are out for Revenge of the Sith.

They are good.

They are very good.

It is touted as the best Star Wars since The Empire Strikes Back, and Return of the Jedi was damn good.

I am so excited.

10 days and counting...

The Meadows

2005-05-06T22:26:00.000-06:00

I get very bored at work.

Here are 10 things I do at work that certainly are not in my job description:

1. I draw ninjas

2. I eat portion cups of jalepenos just to pass the time.

3. I make good use of my 100 txt msgs/month

4. I watch A LOT of golf. Did you know that watching a pro's swing can help you with your own?

5. I curse the gee-damn Conservative a-holes sitting at the table talking about how corrupt the Liberals are and how they shot a 51 on the back! (p.s. That's not good)

6. I curse the bastard products of the nefarious union of Evil and Greed who decide to just hang on to that extra quarter. WHEN I HAVE WORKED FOR 5 HOURS AND HAVE YET TO AMASS ONE DOLLAR IN TIPS THINGS ARE NOT GOOD!

7. I make sweaping generalizations about how all people who don't tip me are probably Conservatives and have autographed pictures of Stephen Harper above their beds for reasons I don't want to think about. Then I dream about ways to rid the world of all of them as well as make 10 hours of sleep/night a requirement by law.

8. I discuss golf inside and outside, backwards and forwards (Did you know that a certain golf course- I will not name names- has THREE TEMP GREENS. Ha! They are no match for the beauty of Pioneer Meadows!)

9. I spend a large amount of time accumulating the lids from pop bottles and then proceeding to try and get the caps out to win free pop. So far I have acquired 5 free 591mL pops and a sore thumb.

10. I think about all the things I could be doing instead of serving overpriced greasy food to men who think they are the shit at golf, spend thousands on golf equipment and green fees, and then think that this makes them attractive to all women and can hit on me thusly. I smirk to myself when I see how bad (and disgusting) they really are.....and then I steal some pop. Tip to all men: Don't hit on girls young enough to be your daughter/granddaughter/greatgrandaughter (yes it happens). They do not think it is charming/endearing/sexy. They think it to be gross/revolting/embarassing for you.

In summation: I get bored at work and sometimes don't really enjoy my job. Why do I do it?

Haha free golf, bitches!

Sorry....sometimes I get a little worked up. Especially because the gods are apparently unhappy with me right now and choose NOT to give me good weather when I am off work so that I may "hit the links", so to speak. I am antsy.

I need to go sacrifice another animal cracker now. Peace out.

Vendredi v.10.4

2005-04-29T00:10:00.000-06:00

Yeah so let's solidfy plans here champs.

I don't know where Manik the clairvoyent gets the movie showtimes before Friday...maybe the...news...paper? Edmovieguide doesn't tell me until tomorrow. But I know I sure as hell ain't going to Silver City! Especially when Sicilian and Ryan's house are both easily accessed from either South Ed (if it actually does have the movie) or Gateway.

But let's say we catch a 7:00 showtime. We should assume long lineups I think. What time do we think for dinners, if we are still having le dinner.

Let's get this together team. It's crunch time.

1....2...3....

Break!

(I'm a little weird right now....I've been awake for a really really long time....)

The Gryffindor Crest

2005-04-27T10:15:00.001-06:00

Gryffindor, originally uploaded by laurensimpson.

I'm just saying...

The Simpson Family Crest

2005-04-27T10:15:00.000-06:00

Simpson, originally uploaded by laurensimpson.

Vendredi

2005-04-26T16:59:00.000-06:00

So everyone is pretty much finished up on Thursday.

What do we say to a showing of HHGTTG on Friday?

Say around 7ish so Manik can get home in time for bedtime?

Perhaps a celebratory dindin ahead of time?

Sheer and Utter Stupidity

2005-04-23T22:21:00.000-06:00

Only people who have taken a Psych class will understand this post. To the rest of you, go twirl around 20 times and then punch yourself in the face. It is fun. I swear.

So I came across the (in)famous "Bobo doll" experiment by Bandura in my reading just now. As any Psych major can tell you, you learn about this experiment in EVERY Psych class you take. That is not an exaggeration.

So I have taken 8 Psych classes so far (including the ones I am finishing up with finals this week). Suffice it to say that I have learned about the Bobo doll way too many times.

However, my idiocy comes into clear focus when for the first time I actually realised WHY it is called a Bobo doll....

I always laughed to myself when a prof would talk about "Bobo dolls" and be like "Why the fuck would they give it such a stupid and random name. Bobo doll, heh."

But then today when the words "Bobo doll" were right beside a picture of the actual Bobo doll it all became clear.

Bobo doll....

Bobo the clown....

The doll has Bobo the clown on it....

Thus "Bobo doll"....

This does not bode well for someone going into the home stretch of 4 exams in 4 days....A bet a friggin rhesus monkey would have made that connection before I did.

But of course they would. They've been to space for chrissakes.

Goddamn you, rhesus monkeys.

Where were you?

2005-04-21T09:46:00.000-06:00

Where were you at 4:20 yesterday?

I was in the car, taking a looooooooooong drag from my............

Booster Juice. Mmmm Soymilk Slam with a Boogle Booster - naturally, it IS exam time after all. A little Ginko never hurt anyone.

So where were you?

OMFG

2005-04-19T10:08:00.000-06:00

OMFG, DCFC ON THE OC!!!!!
GAAAAA!!!!

Longing to Draw

2005-04-18T19:12:00.000-06:00

Instead of studying (which I'm already behind on) I'm sitting here looking at digital art and wanting so badly to spend the next week practicing. I wish I was better at drawing, so much better. I wish I could reproduce what is in my head onto the page, or the screen. I'm definitely a lot further away when it comes to the screen, and still far away when it comes to the page. I just cannot fathom how they do it, the artists, how their pictures look so crisp and amazing when using a graphics tablet is pretty damn hard.

I have a really long way to go.

And naturally when I have this intense motivation I can't act on it because of school. With my focus I'll no longer have this desire as soon as I have the time.

I think I want to draw comic style art. I think it fits my personality better.

I really need to get back to reading.

Hopefully we'll see the robots back again sometime soon.

Until then the tablet remains holstered....

Hey Team Awesome!

2005-04-17T22:44:00.000-06:00

And by Team Awesome I mean my faithful readers who are more than willing to give me advice when needed! Hats off to all those who stepped up in the math course debate. All advice is very appreciated.

So I guess you know that now I have another question on which advice is needed. This one is much more exciting however, well at least to me.

Mon pere has always said that when I got my license he'd purchase an automobile for me. Insurance is from my shallow pocket, but he will get a car. As the summer approaches and I have to get out to the boonies for work, all around the city for soccer, we've come to the decision that a car is kind of needed. Hurrah.

However, I don't know a whole lot about cars. I don't know which cars are good and, conversely, which are bad.... (haha that sentence made me laugh). Took a wee look at the Cobalt today and told my dad that they seem to start around 15 g. (Same with the Cavalier and the Sunfire). So he said to look at them and let him know my decision. I asked for the price range he's looking for. Imagine my shock and awe (haha) when he said "Under 20". Gasp!

Unfortunately the Mini is much more than that, otherwise I'd be on it like an engineering student on a barista who is liberally handed with the espresso shots at exam time.

So yeah, you can get some pimped out rides for like 17. I'm talking power everything, sunroof, remote keyless entry, cd/mp3 player. But its like, the Pontiac Wave that I know nothing about. It also helps that I can drive a standard so theres a grand saved right there.

So any advice on this issue would be great. I know there are some readers out there who probably know a lot more than I do about cars so comment away.

Zoom zoom...

Boy, do I feel silly!

2005-04-10T18:43:00.000-06:00

Remember way back when I said that Tiger probably wouldn't be "donning the green" anytime soon? Yeah so for all of those of you who didn't watch, he won today. And thus he put on the green jacket...I feel quite silly.

Though he really fell apart at the end, and DiMarco should have pulled it together, but Tiger did win so for the second time, props to him.

If you watched (probably just Ed), how friggin cheap was it when he had his caddy step out the yardage??? You think anyone is ever going to step out the yardage for me? Or let me stall long enough to step it out myself?? Uncool, Tiger, uncool.

Now I want to go play golf. I think I will take some swings in the backyard, peace out.

Props to Tiger

2005-04-06T23:30:00.000-06:00

Now I'm not a Tiger Woods fan like Edward obviously is (his home page?). I think that he is definitely too cocky and hasn't (and likely won't) reclaim the glory he once had. You can tell that his PR guys are working overtime to try and force people to drop titles like "Number 1 Tour-Sharpshooter", and so on. Such epithets are totally subjective and just placed there to try and fool people into thinking he's Number 1 on Tour. I doubt we'll see him donning the green anytime soon. Hopefully we'll see something like this instead. That's hot.

Moving along. Though I obviously don't like the guy, I have to give him props when props are due. Though his endorsements are digustingly overdone, the new Nike commercial is actually really good. It really gets to the heart of golf, the tension, the decision. And if you watch the commercial you can see the last shot where it looks like he hits the ball into the camera. Well he actually did! The director told him to aim for the camera and he pegged if from 70ft. Now that is pretty damn good. Props to Tiger on that one.

Here's the link

Dream

2005-04-05T22:13:00.000-06:00

Dream, originally uploaded by laurensimpson.

Thanks to all who gave me course advice. Here's another sketcheroo. I like this one better, definitely getting steadier with the pen.

A Question For The Ages

2005-04-05T00:28:00.000-06:00

Or at least a question for now until say....Fall Semester.

Ok this is the issue kids. I need advice. I'm but a fabulous Arts student who knows little about the subject they call "Mathematics". I need to take 3 credits in either MATH, CMPUT, or STAT (not including 151 which I took last year).

Basically all I need is advice on which of the following courses to take:

MATH 113
MATH 120
CMPUT 101
or
STAT 252 (I hear this one sucks)

So as far as le calculus goes, Manik said that a certain prof was good, but unfortunately BearTracks doesn't give a shit which prof you get. As long as they are "Staff", BearTracks is happy. That makes me feel like I'm playing Russian Roulette.

Stat 252 apparently is a whore. I dunno, a couple Psych friends tell me.

Math 120 is linear algebra, apparently mind-numbingly boring, but easy as 3.14159.

CMPUT 101 I am confuzzled about. Sometimes I hear tough, others times not so. RyHei, did they learn C++? Cuz I want to stay far away from that shit.

So seriously, give me some comments on this one. I totally don't know what the heck to do, other than to lounge for two weeks, then study like a madman.

Oh and I am to be employed by the prestigous Pioneer Meadows Golf and Country Club (i.e. it's in the country, sorta. The back country of Millhood). Clean those clubs and press your khakis, it will be the Summer of Par! (well probably not, but maybe a nice +10!!)

Oh and Manik I don't want to hear your comment about taking 252 just to be in your class. So save it for some pre-med friend...and by that I mean an imaginary friend because pre-med friends can't exist! Snap!

Cin cin!

Fun With A Graphics Tablet

2005-04-02T12:42:00.000-07:00

Graphic Tablet Fun, originally uploaded by laurensimpson.

More practice is in order. It's pretty darn fun. World domination to follow.

Sin In The City

2005-03-30T22:06:00.000-07:00

Tonight I went and saw Sin City at the screening. Apparently there was something in The Gateway where you got free passes if you took it to Bluenotes...meh not my concern. Caleb gave me free tickies for me and Stinkeroo and we went. It was really good, highly recommended. But that's not where the excitement was found...

The movie was rated R. Stinkeroo is but a mere child of 17. We had a wee bit of a problem when one of the highly skilled, intelligent workers of Cineplex Odeon South Edmonton Common insisted that everyone be checked for ID.

The tires of the van screeched as my mom peeled off. Then this roadblock jumps up out of nowhere. After I showed him my ID we stepped back into the main lobby to conference. My mom didn't have her cell phone on. Shit.

She looked worried. I was thinking. Thinking hard. Sure we could wait until my mom got home, call her, get to come back for Steph. Yeah she'd be pissed, but what were our other options? Unless...

It was time to match my wits against the big ivory tower of Cineplex Odeon. All those hours of watching Bond movies were about to pay off. This was my chance. A girl has a few moments in her life, a few choices that will make or break her. I knew this was one of mine.

Fresh off of a power nap half an hour before my mind was limber, ready for the challenge. A quick glance around. A lot of people had gone through the gates between when I flashed my ID and where we were now. Was it possible? More importantly, was I that gutsy?

She was starting to freak out. I guess I can't blame her, she is only 17. This isn't her territory. But tonight it sure as hell was mine.

"Listen" I said quietly, "I'm going to give you my wallet. Go outside for a while, then come back in and show it to him".

"He just saw it, he'll remember it!" Her voice was shaking now. I knew that to pull this off we needed confidence above all else. Not that I've ever pulled a ID-repeat before...but my gut knew it, and my brain was along for the ride.

I was standing on the lobby side of the rope with her. Caleb was on the other side, watching it all go down. I quickly passed her the wallet, told her to take it, but not to look at it. "Show him the wallet, not just the ID" I instructed.

She walked away to the doors. Getting it from the car, right? Now all that stood between me and a free show was a razor thin strip of material. The rope. I let him see me standing there. Let him remember me, remember that he had checked me, remember that I was with the girl who didn't have the ID. Then he turned to a group of customers. A quick glance showed no other employees in sight. They couldn't ask me for ID again or it would all be over. I was in too deep, no turning back. A swift duck under the rope and I was beside Caleb. The ticket man looked up at us, nothing registered on his face. I kept mine neutral, just waiting for my sister was all.

She came back a few minutes later. I knew that if he saw me again he'd remember my face and match it to the ID. Once she snuck into a group that was getting their IDs checked it was time to move. Caleb and I calmly walked towards the theatres, not looking back at the queue. Would she make it through? I kept my eyes ahead.

A few seconds passed, I wondered what would happen if they found us out. I guess it didn't matter in the end. She ran up beside me and joined us in the walk to the theatre. I let thrill of a successful job hit me for a second. Couldn't let my guard down though. There were security guards at the entrance, checking for cameras and picture phones and whatnot. This was no time to get sloppy.

Two and a half hours later we walked about of the theatre knowing that we had won. A free show and one of the cheekiest moves pulled off without a hitch.

Was it because the ticket checker was incompetent? No, I don't think so.

It was because we were good.

Damn good.

Be It Resolved That:

2005-03-20T18:25:00.000-07:00

Today I smoothly segued from a discussion on Terri Schiavo and the "right to live" to an intense debate over the hypothetical benefits/deficits of the propagation of the Jedi in the time frame immediately following the fall of the Emperor.

Some very good points were made in both discussions:

- Lifestyle following traumatic brain injury is almost NEVER the same. The person who survives even a moderate stroke may be forever changed in both personality and physical skill. In the case of Terri, who's injuries are incredibly severe with no chance of recovery, she basically ceases to be the person she was. Her mother begs Mr.Bush to "save her little girl". That "little girl" no longer exists. As a neuropsychology student it is easy to see that when the brain is dead that is basically the end. We now see ourselves in a purely ideological debate that no longer considers quality of life for Terri, but rather pits the religious right against, well, everyone. It has become a spectacle of media to champion the "value of human life". Another photo-op since abortion debate has been a little quiet of late. I ask: where was this crusade for human life when he decided to bomb Iraq? Oh that's right, I forgot. It is a right afforded only to the "enlightened". So goddamn stupid.

- Teaching the ways of the force can always be a risky venture, as it can lead the pupil to the Dark Side. It is then the wisest course of action for Luke to abate any plans of creating a legion of Jedi in the wake of the destruction of the Empire. While Jedi are inherently peaceful, training in the ways of the force could lead to another rise of evil from a renegade student. It is best to be pragmatic, and commence training only when a threat later presents itself. Revel with the Gungans, dance with the Ewoks on Endor, look away from the creepy shot of Hayden. Leave the pre-emptive strikes to the Holy Empire of America.

Best Zing EVER!

2005-03-16T22:33:00.000-07:00

The Scenario: You have a loser relative who has decided to move into your house from away. They end up eating all your steak, forgetting to drive you to the dance, boring you with the worst movies ever made, and generally just ruining your life. What's the best way to insult this parasite, other than "Why don't you just SHUT UP"?

Incredibly Witty Zinger: You're like a embolic occlusion causing MAJOR CEREBRAL INFARCTION!

Hahahahaha YES! SNAP!

[Seriously, if you knew what that meant, you'd think it was funny too. I swear. If I had friends in Med School it would be knuckles all around. NOT PRE-MED DELUDED LOSERS LIKE MANIK WHO DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT A SUBARACHNOID HEMORRHAGE IS, HAHA!]

And yes, dear friends, you have guessed it. It is midterm time again and I am actually learning things once more while concurrently losing my mind. And in following tradition, I take you along for the ride.

Oh and for a zippy variation on the insult, change "embolic" to "thrombolic" for a sibling or parent who lives with you. Spectacular! They will be reeling, I assure you.

Have you ever dissected an apple?

2005-03-07T11:43:00.000-07:00

Real question from small child to me. I laughed. Then said that no, I have never dissected an apple.

Anyway, here in CAB and I am quite upset. You see, Natasha and I had previously decided that it was not to snow and that instead it would rain. It's not under 0 degrees, as Natasha pointed out. A mere 15 min later, it is snowing and getting harder by the second. Very uncool.

I'm definitely short on the funny material. Perhaps my cynicism is melting away and resulting in a happier (albeit less witty and drole) existance. Interesting.

A few observations on recent blogging:
- I propose a ban on Manik telling people to update, because she is the very worst at doing it herself.
- Tiger Woods sucks, he rigged it all. Mike Weir for life. (Speaking of golf, I was getting so excited that the nice weather might bring about early driving range openings, I've been jonesing for some golf. Now that there is a friggin FLURRY outside though, I'm crying to think of how long it will be until I can golf again)

I spent the weekend jetting between various soccer centers in and around Edmonton and taking a lot of drugs (all legal) and wandering half-conscious through my house. Spent copious hours sleeping and watching movies as I tried to not die, basically. I ended up hitting Stinky really hard in the head (granted it was a lot harder than intended, us Supers don't realise our powers sometimes) because she yelled in my face and then my head felt like it was being punctured with chopsticks. Wooden ones. With splinters. Then she wouldn't give me any pancakes (but Warren gave me one anyway cuz he's cool).

Oh and Chez Simpson now has a Canon Photo Printer. It is super cool.

That's all for now. Update your own blog Manik.

Warning: This is not a funny post.

2005-02-28T23:57:00.000-07:00

So it has been quite some time since I've posted, even longer since I've actually posted something good. I was trying to think today of something to write about. This was my first mistake. Usually my funny posts just come to me and I just start writing and go with the flow. However when I start to think about what to write, well then I tend to get a little....academic.

Ergo, this is more of an academic post. I was just about to ask for your forgiveness for embarking on this digression from hilarity, and yet I don't think I will. I honestly am enjoying school right now, and more so am enjoying the foundation it gives me for thinking about things in my own life. I know that sometimes when I share these thoughts of mine you are all bored. It is all too obvious that ethnography doesn't appeal to everyone. However I will use this as a formal invitation [sit tight, I haven't even started the post yet]. I encourage you all to post about something you have learned recently that really interested/inspired you. I know that you are all very intelligent people, and that you all must have at least one class that really gets you excited about the material. I would really like to hear about them, expand my own mind. Moving on.

So tonight I was watching The Matrix: Reloaded. It came to the scene where Neo fights the hundred Smiths. Great scene, amazing CGI work, pretty much what we expect from the Matrix. And yet, as I was watching him kick ass with a bowstaff, there were flashes through my mind of "Oh you can tell that that was just an animated guy". It is something that happens in any movie like this...Spiderman, Harry Potter.

I'll use that scene to move into the basis of this post: the nature of Reality. [groan, yes I know. But think of it as a kind of a Plato's Cave for the child of the 80's/90's.

This musing came to me earlier, upon hearing some say "Wow that video game looked so good that I thought it was real!". Combine this with my thoughts about the scene from the Matrix and I start to wonder: Was that image of Keanu really computer generated?

Or was it really him?

As video games get more realistic, more naturalistic, will we soon start to question every scene in a movie? Will we soon be unable to tell the real from that which was imagined on a Powerbook?

When we start to believe more in the contrived, will we believe less in the tangible?

I forsee disbelief in movies to come and I forsee the loss of wonder and awe at the feats of the cinema. When anything can be done on a computer and to the exact likeness of "reality", will you still sit in amazement at a action packed car chase scene? Will you still cry at the raw emotion on the actor's face as their loved one dies? If you know that the emotion of Unbelievable Grief was constructed from precise parameters determined in the laboratory, will it ever have the same effect on you?

Which brings me to another point that I had thought about earlier and only today realised its relevance to this post. My whole post-literary life I have been disappointed. Disappointed because pizza never tastes as good as I imagined it to taste based on the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles cartoon and the Archie comics. The same goes for the burgers of Jughead, and brownies. They are just never as good.

So here we have a problem. On the one hand, reality (for me at least) should always have a place in the movies and no amount of brilliant computer work can ever completely match it. It is reality that impresses us. Is a realistic martial arts fight scene more impressive to you than one that was obviously done with wires and computers? I know that for me it is. There is an amazement in the impossible, but it can only take you so far.

But on the other hand, so much of this contrived world of media acts to create disappointment in reality. Is it likely that you will have the fairytale romance? That the pieces of your life will fall together perfectly and you will overcome ridiculous odds to triumph? Not likely. Hollywood has picked up on this discrepency, and we see fewer Cinderella-type stories, and more of the hero losing. But do you ever like those movies as much? Are you not left with a sense of uneasiness, somehow betrayed by the film maker?

How to resolve the two? We see the benefit of reality, and of belief rather than constant cynicism. And yet we always find ourselves in want of more.

I suppose I don't have a concrete solution. I have some thoughts. For one: create your own reality. Don't ask how this would be done on TV or in the movies, but ask how you feel for yourself it should be done. What if you are wrong? What if it isn't as good or as right as how everyone else does it?

Can you be wrong though? I don't think so.

I'll leave this with a quote that I quite like. Is it entirely relevant? I suppose so, although not in an obvious way.

"Risque, qui risqué la vie"

I won't translate because it completely loses the beauty of the quote. But I think it sums it up in that life is desirable, and thus reality is desirable. Question the "reality" presented to you and then go and create your own.

Try to see the face of the cave. The attempt itself is worth it.

Weekend Update

2005-02-21T13:12:00.000-07:00

Just a few updates for y'all.

1) Ed: sweet pictures, they look a bit grainy but I figure that's just because of scanning and what not. I like the one with Brock setting, its like calm before the storm. Very nicely done.

2) Manik: settle the eff down. This is not Passions. You don't have a crazed stalker who also happens to be a mage and is sleeping with your sister/cousin while lusting after your father (and you, for that matter). Tell Doug to piss off, you aren't Justine, nor will you ever be Justine, and even if you were Justine you probably wouldn't go for someone like Doug. Next time he calls maybe drop the F-bomb. It will be very effective, I assure you.

3) McCrum: what up dog. How's it hanging in the hood? You missed a wikid awesome time at Cook County. It's pretty much my favorite bar now, bred for its skills in two-stepping. I definitely don't know the crazy two step that they do but I think I'm starting to learn by observation. I cannot wait to hit it up again! We should go with Kels some time.

4) Ryan: did you get your PowerBook? Probably not otherwise I'm sure we would have heard. It's damn exciting though, we need to connect that shit and take over the world. I think I'm at about 4 Mac converts right now, spreading the good word.

Aaanywho, practice is a possibility this weekend, clan -NT-. Talked to the dubbs. He says he has some lyrics and more for that fast song. I will ask him about Stingray.

Other than that, exams finished off nicely, been just chilling and enjoying my break. Hope all is well with you guys and we will surely have to party it up before school commences again.

Peace, love, and chicken wings.

The True Meaning of Geekiness

2005-02-16T22:17:00.000-07:00

Today I referred to conditioned taste aversions as "hardcore shit".

I have also taken my reading time calculations a step further by calculating the min/page speed and applying that to upcoming chapter lengths to determine overall predicted time.

Oh and because I know you were wondering: 2.444444 min/page.

Hoe-Down Stompin' Good Time

2005-02-13T18:21:00.000-07:00

You can add more redneck words in there if you want. I think that those suffice.

Quick note. I wanna hit up Cook Country on Friday, Lizzy (not McGuire) Hoyt is playing fiddle for a band which should be super-sweet. I've never been and listening to the Dixie Chicks today....well needless to say I could really go for some 2-steppin'.

I'll be all hopped up on caffeine and the high that comes from finishing 5 exams, and I'll be ready to have some fun. So I think we should all hit it up.

Plus the three days post-Friday I will effectively be "out of the office" with my cell phone off. Well, no it won't be off but I won't answer it. If you like, won money that you need to give to me, then txt me. But other than that I will be unreachable.

So unless y'all can handle waiting till Tuesday and later to see me, let's consider this Friday plan.

Back to the sex. I mean art.....sex in art. And just normal art, too.

Surrealist

2005-02-13T11:58:00.000-07:00

Surrealist, originally uploaded by laurensimpson.

Think about it.

Sensuality, Sexuality, and the Love of Art

2005-02-12T22:23:00.000-07:00

That is the title of the chapter I just finished up reading for my Roman Art class. Who is jealous now that they aren't a Classics Minor like me? Everyone. I knew it.

Just thought I'd share a memorable quote from the chapter, which I pretty much laughed out loud at. I guess maybe you won't find it as interesting out of context and not being a Classics Minor....Well then I'll share a hilarious (and kinda gross) story as well just to make sure you appreciate this post. All in good time for Valentine's Day I suppose.

The quote: The effect of the label 'Aphrodite' or 'Venus', which we slap almost automatically on any exposed female body from antiquity, is both to dignify this anonymity with a worthy title and to hand viewers a respectible alibi (in this case religion) for their voyeurism. (Classical Art: From Greece to Rome, Mary Beard and John Henderson)

Snap! Well played, Beard and Henderson. Well played. How awesome was that?

Well then you will surely revel in this little story. It is in reference to the Aphrodite of Knidos [Nudity Disclaimer], which is argued to be the first fully nude female statue of antiquity.

Hmm this account is kind of long, but the original, which makes it good. I guess if you don't want to read it then just skip over it and I'll provide a quick synopsis at the end. I'd encourage you to read it though, it's pretty funny.

[Context: Two men, a Corinthian and an Athenian, have travelled to look at the statue of the Aphrodite of Knidos. They have just gone in to the temple and are looking at it. Praxiteles is the sculptor. Anchises was a mortal who was loved by Aphrodite.]

Here it is:

Filled with admiration, we noticed behind one of the thighs a stain like one on a robe, which only brought out the whiteness of the marble. It seemed a flaw in the stone. This kind of defect is not uncommon, and fate thus tends to thwart that which otherwise would reach perfection. Supposing this dark stain was natural, my admiration for Praxiteles only increased, for having so skillfully hidden it where it would least be noticed. But the groundskeeper, who had stayed by our side, recounted an extraordinary and barely believable tale on this subject. "A young man from a distinguished family," said she, "but whose act has made the name unspeakable, came often to the temple, where an evil spirit had made him fall in love with the goddess. As he spent his whole day there, it was first believed to be due to a faith bordering on superstition. In fact he was up way before the dawn, and only went home after sunset, having spent all his time seated before the goddess, his eyes constantly fixed upon her. You could hear him murmuring sweet nothings to her.

When he wanted to quench his passion a bit, he would make an invocation, cast on the table four small bones of Libyan gazelle, and read the future in them. If the throw was lucky, especially if it was the one called ‘of Aphrodite,' when none of the dice shows the same number, he would prostrate himself, certain his desire would soon be fulfilled. But the opposite was more common, and when the dice were unfavorable he cursed all of Cnidus and, as if his misfortune were incurable, was overwhelmed by sadness. In the next moment he would gather up the dice and try his fortune again. His passion only grew stronger, and he carved on every wall and tree the name of Aphrodite the Beautiful. He worshiped Praxiteles as equal to Zeus. Any beautiful or valuable thing he found in his house he offered to the goddess; finally, the violence of his desires made him lose his reason, his audacity serving him for pimp. One evening, at sunset, he slid unseen behind the temple door and hid in the darkest corner, holding his breath. The keepers closed the gate as usual, and this new Anchises found himself alone inside. Who would dare recount the sort of deeds he consummated that wicked night? In short, at daybreak this sign of his amorous embraces was discovered, a sign which ever since has marked the goddess as a reminder of her suffering. As for the young man, they say he threw himself upon the rocks, or into the sea. In any case he disappeared forever."

So if you just skipped over all of that, the basic outline is that the statue was so beautiful that a young man fell desperately in love with it and well...."tapped that". How did they find out? A tell-tale stain.

[And interesting aside: Perhaps you are wondering why it was important that one man was a Corinthian and one was an Athenian? Well, the author was bringing in two Greek male stereotypes. The Corinthian, who advocates the love of women, and the Athenian, who likes the boys. As my textbook puts it "After two bouts of ecstasy - the Corinthian swooning over her front, the Athenian going to raptures over her behind - they notice that tell-tale mark 'on one thigh'.) Haha oh good times with the Greeks.]

I'm almost as bad as Manik...

2005-02-11T17:10:00.000-07:00

\m/ Death Cab for Cutie \m/

2005-02-11T00:35:00.000-07:00

Been listening to the Death Cab playlist during studying.

Needed to express that I think they are so eff'n awesome.

That's about it. Obviously this need to express my love for Death Cab was strong.

Because they rock.

Circular.

And so it begins... v.3.0

2005-02-10T14:09:00.000-07:00

Don't deny it. I know it has been on your mind all day and you can barely concentrate.

You want so badly to know how my exam went. Come to think of it...This next week is going to be agonizing as you worry each and every day if I am getting enough sleep, if I have enough caffeine-type products to keep me going, if I'm stressed or if I'm prepared. You're nice like that.

So I figured I'd create a sort of rating system so that I can let you know with the least amount of effort on my part how the exams went and you can just skip over that lame convo-starter next time you see me.

Rating Guide:
Out of a possible 5 horns: \m/
\m/: Shitty. Don't mention that I had it. Don't even look at me like you know I had it. I would break the space-time continuum just to go back and make sure I never had it. While I'm at it I'd probably also make sure I was never born so that I wouldn't have just fucked up my life as I did by doing so shitty on that exam.

\m/ \m/: Definite physical nausea as I wonder if I will get kicked out of school and have to go to.......community college. I'll probably cry when I get home, eat a lot of chocolate and drown my sorrows in Perrier Lime. Then I'll spend the next two hours calculating just how far my GPA could drop if I get a certain set of bad marks this semester, how well I'll have to do next year to make up for it, research some law schools that you can get into with shitty GPAs..you get the idea.

\m/ \m/ \m/: Definitely could have gone better had I not left all my studying to the last moment. I'll console myself knowing that it was only a midterm, I have the entire rest of the semester left to make up for it. Then I'll find people in my class who did worse and we'll complain about the exam together while secretly I am just doing so to make myself feel better because someone was stupider than I was. Don't look at me like that, you know you do it too. Yeah, that's what I thought.

\m/ \m/ \m/ \m/: Went well, nothing to complain about. Pretty much around the level of expectation (that is: blasting "Beautiful Day" while looking in the mirror and saying "You can do this, Lauren! You know your shit!" - expectations. Not crying and vomiting and saying "Why the hell didn't you study earlier. You are going to fail and it's your own goddamn fault" - expectations...)

\m/ \m/ \m/ \m/ \m/: THAT EXAM WAS FUCKING METAL! Or other such expressions of joy...like....Huzzah! or L'Chayim!

Thursday Feb.10:
Psychology 377: Human Neuropsychology
\m/ \m/ \m/ \m/ \m/

Friday Feb.11:
Psychology 233: Personality
\m/ \m/ \m/ \m/

Monday Feb.14:
Classics 353: Roman Art
\m/ \m/ \m/ \m/ \m/

Wednesday Feb.16:
Classics 321: Greek Literature in Translation
\m/ \m/ \m/ \m/

Friday Feb.18:
Psychology 281: Learning and Behaviour

Heck YES!

2005-02-08T23:29:00.000-07:00

Heck YES!, originally uploaded by laurensimpson.

The ultimate sweetness of this almost makes it worth wearing! I figured I'd post a picture to save you all from the agony of having me whip it out in person to show you, because I totally would. I assure you that I just brushed it clean before this pic so no need to get all squirmy...

Downfalls? Now that you mention it, yes there are some....namely that IT HURTS LIKE HELL IN A HOT HOT HEAT-ED HANDBASKET (huh?)

It feels like someone removed BOTH my periaqueductal gray and my raphe nucleus. Fuck.

Ringo-cat (aka. Ringeets)

2005-02-08T00:00:00.000-07:00

Cute, originally uploaded by laurensimpson.

What a gorgeous cat. She should be an effing model or something. At least replace Mischa. I'm sure she'd be much better at portraying a full range of human emotions....which is funny....BECAUSE SHE IS A CAT!

(I warned you I'm losing my mind).

Although Mischa might have her beat at portraying the lesbian....the jury is out on that one.

Loser

2005-02-07T23:58:00.000-07:00

Loser, originally uploaded by laurensimpson.

How much of a geek am I? Seriously.

If you can't quite understand my cryptic message...I'm keeping track of how long it took me to read each chapter.

I'm also losing my mind. Rapidly. Rapid mind loss.

Day O' Berf Snaps

2005-02-04T17:00:00.000-07:00

Ryan Heise, who you may remember from the Bible, is the Son of God.

Or wait....damn I always get you two mixed up. Honest mistake. Sorry JC.

The Ryan Heise we all know turns 20 today. Snaps to Ry. *snap snap*

I think we are all impressed that you have yet to be assasinated for your:
a) Prophetic wisdom in a time of angry Romans
b) Walking on water, making wine, some other stuff I'm sure
c) Perpetually "Uncensored and Unrated!" version of yourself (read: you say bad words....a lot)
d) Reneging on your deal with Jabba and having Boba Fett chase you down. You and the MF have managed to give him the proverbial "slip" so far, but I know I'm not the only one who wonders "Will today be the day that charming bounty hunter finally catches up with you?"

I'm going to blatantly steal an idea from ThinkGeek here (best effing shirt EVER!) and compose a b-day poem, nerd style:

iMacs are #FFFFFF
And your heart is #000000
Eating a Super Royale can give you a heart attack

Ed is #FFFF00
His guitar is #FF0000
On your birthday you can punch him in the head

Manik is #714103
Poojeet (her car) is #0000FF
And I am just a big fat Jew

The gays like #FF00FF
Your cortex is #C0C0C0
Hope you have a happy b-day

Send Me Off In Style - iPod Style

2005-02-02T19:51:00.000-07:00

So as some of you know and some don't know and will presently be screaming obscenities at the revelation I am about to bestow upon you - I am heading off to Europe this summer for a month.

Details are sketchy - nonexistant so don't ask for them. They don't exist.

What I do know is as follows:
- You all heart me. Deeply.
- You are crying now knowing I'll be gone for a month.
- I heart my iPod.
- You all heart that I heart my iPod.
- The plane ride to Europe is longer than 6 hours.
- The battery life for my iPod is 6 hours.
- I need more battery life.
- You all heart me and want nothing but my happiness. Did I mention that?

So I figure that since I'm now saving diligently for this trip you will all be so proud of me you'll want to shower me with gift/gifts. I, in my infinite kindness, will make this process all the easier for you by detailing which gift in particular would help me greatly.

This snazzy bad boy.

Sure it says its not compatible with the mini, but those are lies. It works just fine. Chip-chip-chiperoo in and send me off in style. It will be well worth it for all the....pictures and stories I bring back for you guys!

Hearts and kisses.

Time

2005-01-30T15:28:00.000-07:00

I need time. If anyone is peddling time, or know someone else who is, let me know.

Today I downloaded around 60 new songs (Juliana Theory, The Strokes, Taking Back Sunday, so on and so forth). I have no time to listen to them all, along with all the other songs that I have downloaded recently that haven't gotten play time. It is really upsetting. Other news, The Juliana Theory is pretty damn good.

While I was downloading those songs I was neither cleaning my room nor doing much reading, as I had planned. In the past two weeks I've watched barely any TV. Pretty much just The OC: Lesbian Playground.

It's funny. Every time you decide to change a part of your life in hopes of giving yourself more time you find that something else immediately fills that slot.

Not that I'm complaining. I hate being bored without anything to do. It's just a silly part of life, never enough time to do everything.

YESSSSS!!!!!!!!

2005-01-30T14:50:00.000-07:00

Best Thing Ever

Possibly Even Better

Delta Gamma!

2005-01-28T16:46:00.000-07:00

So after getting that rather angry post out of my system I thought of a good thing to post about as I have been severely lacking lately.

So as many of you know, there are two girls on my soccer team from the Delta Gamma fraternity. A while back when they were doing the recruitment for first semester there were jokes abound about me joining up. I stress "jokes". However as of late these jokes have turned into what I believe to be serious suggestions. One time they physically cornered me in the dressing room (don't let your imaginations run wild boys, we were all fully clothed) and told me that I should really join.

Now I know all of you are having a hearty chuckle right now at the idea of me in a fraternity. "Come, come now", you surely are saying, "Lauren is the largest dork I know. She certainly would not fit in at a fraternity." This was my train of thought intially as well, that's why I thought the joke to be so funny. So perhaps you are thinking that I act all cool and normal at soccer and thus they don't realise what they are getting themselves into.

But, I act like the dork that I am at soccer as well as everywhere else. I don't front, if you will. For instance, lately I haven't been sleeping well at all. I'll wake up at 3 AM and can't get back to sleep. So at soccer I mentioned this and stated that "My circadian rhythm is off!". Yeah so they are really aware of my nerdiness, and yet they still pursue. On the one hand I'm certain they want to boost their 3.0 cumulative GPA but on the other hand I think they just see that I have a "glowing personality". But then I ask myself, what is the point of a fraternity? I posed this question myself and the reply was "Nothing. Female bonding"......

However I've been looking at the website and the potential of a nice juicy scholarship certainly appeals to me. But I don't really know much else about these fraternities other than the "Nothing. Female bonding..." response that I got. I figure it might look good on a resume, give me a chance to get some organized philanthropy in (I really haven't been philanthroping as much as I should), let me wear cool pins and emblems, get a cool sports car and a nice watch....

I now post this here to get some suggestions, comments, concerns.

"[She] had spoken to them very strongly"

2005-01-28T16:36:00.000-07:00

That's the Homeric way of saying that the speaker definitely wasn't fucking around. And with this quick post I assure you I am not fucking around.

Next time you think that it would be a good idea to be a raging asshole to someone else for no reason save your own inner dissatisfaction with yourself/your life/your incestuous relationship with your mother a la Oedipus - don't do it. Take that extra second to think about how what you are doing might affect this person in a way you didn't even think of.

I apologize for the incoherence of this post and my really poor grammar above. I'm just a little hot-blooded about this issue at the moment.

"So [she] spoke, and all of them stayed stricken to silence in amazement at [her] words. [She] had spoken to them very strongly." - Homer

And frenzied celebration spread across the land...

2005-01-20T23:20:00.000-07:00

The kings walked among their people, shaking the hands of the beggars and clasping their shoulders as a sign of comradery.

Feuding neighbours lay down their arms, if only for a night, to join in the raising of glasses.

The outcasts were embraced as friends, and even the most deliquent of children partook in the festivities by procuring fireworks of such magnificence that each and every man, woman, child and beast ceased all action if only to catch their breath at the spectacle. Never before had such splendid beauty been shared by so many a creature with the same feeling of joy held in their heart.

An ignorant passerby gawked at the sight and quickly grabbed hold of the nearest child.

"Do tell me boy, and with great haste. What miracle has transpired that elicits such unadulterated euphoria?"

With shock in his eyes, the incredulous tone of the boy's voice did little to mask his astonishment. How could anyone be oblivious of what had just come to pass?

Taking a moment to prepare himself for the responsiblity that came with the spreading of such inspiring news, the boy took a deep breath and whispered, as if to preserve the sanctity of the words: "Lauren got into Psychology 281".

Introducing You to a Third Year Philosophy Student

2005-01-19T23:26:00.000-07:00

Question: How many of you know a third year Philosophy student?

Answer: ALL OF YOU! YAY!

No, not really so much yay. Long, long story (sorry to those who had to hear it all) short - can't get into my PSYCO 281 class and am scrambling to register in another class. Don't want to take on four 300-level classes in one semester so I decided to use up some of my junior credits/"electives" as so many of you call them. I thought a SOC class might be interesting so I went to register in SOC 100 and BearTracks wouldn't let me!

I was a little confused but then something caught my eye that would change my life forever. Or at least for this semester. BearTracks says I'm a third year student! Nuts! Yeah those IB credits actually count for something I suppose.

So I resigned myself to PHIL 102, hopefully it doesn't suck...not like a Dyson vacuum cleaner...those never stop sucking.

The Magic Elixir of the Nacirema Tribe

2005-01-11T22:58:00.000-07:00

There is a tribe called the Nacirema. This post is in regard to the very interesting "magic" elixir around which many of them base their lives. It is known as "Elixir A".

History: Elixir A finds its origins in Ethiopia and was first cultivated in a remote region known as Nemey. The Kurt Tribe produced a drink that was a crude form of the more complex Elixir A, however the use by the Nacirema is truly the most fascinating its long history.

Elixir A affects the Nacirema in many ways - physically, culturally. It even possess incredible social powers that boarder on "magical".

Physically: Elixir A contains one main component from which it derives certain addictive qualities. This component in its purest form is found as a bitter, white, crystalline powder. This drug takes on similar qualities to the amphetamines cocaine and heroin. Some properties of these drugs include increased dopamine production, constriction of blood vessels in the brain, and release of epinephrine from the hypothalamus. While these effects are quite profound and can lead to addiction and withdrawal symptoms, the ritualistic use of Elixir A leads to a general atmosphere of public ignorance.

Culturally: Elixir A is central to the daily rituals of nearly 90% of the Nacirema tribe. Such importance naturally breeds specialization in the preparation and administration processes. Elixir A "shamans" are taught by previous generations and undergoe complex training tasks until they can be officially labelled as worthy of preparing the elixir. These shamans congregate together in their huts which subsequently become dedicated to the preparation. While many of the Nacirema attempt simplistic versions of Elixir A for day-to-day ritual, it is universally acknowledged that the shamans are the most skilled and produce the finest concoctions. They procure the freshest and finest ingredients and are able to mix these in an invariable number of ways. The shamans are constantly producing new versions of Elixir A for use in ritual, however all forms contain the same underlying flavour notes as a reminder of their shared origins. The most experienced of the Nacirema, in terms of the use of Elixir A for ritual, tend to prefer a very pure and potent form - seemingly to create a deeper connection and more intense ritualistic effect. Such forms must be prepared with only prime ingredients and the most experienced shamans are exalted for their prowness. The other more mainstream forms of Elixir A can be of lower quality, and generally function to introduce newcomers to the ways of the Nacirema. It has become practice to equate the level of knowledge, consumption, and selectivity of the individual to power and status.

Socially: Perhaps the most fascinating facet of Elixir A is the social power it possesses. The Nacirema do not overtly attribute any "magical" powers to Elixir A, however on a subconcious level it appears as though it takes upon an important role. On a personal level, Elixir A is used to promote and sustain thought. Some individual rituals involve Elixir A as a means for entrance into a type of pensive state. It is in the interactions between individuals that Elixir A holds most "magic" power, however. Elixir A becomes a type of medium between two people, facilitating interaction. Often when two Nacirema desire to connect with one another, they choose to do so through a ritual focused on the consumption of Elixir A. Meeting at the hut of the shaman, the two Nacirema procure forms of Elixir A and then engage in ritualistic and often very structured means of information gathering. The practice is wholly widespread and generally occurs within all seasons and at all times of day. What is truly fascinating about the use of Elixir A in such meetings is that they typically do not occur independent of each other. In general, the ritual of information gathering does not occur alone. Elixir A seems to create a socially-accepted bridge allowing for the two individuals to communicate. The shaman huts are plentiful, obviously due to the abundance of Elixir A use in the Nacirema culture and its importance in the mating rituals. Some shaman huts even provide Elixir A in the late hours for those Nacirema charged with the responsibility of watching over the villages.

So after reading all of that about the Nacirema you may be thinking "Well Lauren, that certainly was interesting, but was there a point to this post? Or was I just...learning...for the sake of learning...because that would be weird." While I do think some of you could do with a little more learning for the sake of learning, there was a point to this. In my Anthro 207 class last semester we were required to read an article entitled "Body Ritual Among the Nacirema" by Horace Miner. I could tell you to read that article and then you will understand the post, but I figure since this post was already quite long and if you have remained with me so far, I will be kind and just fill you in. Perhaps you have already figured this whole thing out. I admit I'm definitely not as good as Miner with this whole little game, but I did try to get the idea across. Spell Nacirema backwards - that is your mysterious tribe. And if I were to tell you that the Nacirema would call Elixir A "eeffoc", well then I think you definitely understand this post. Miner's article was meant to create awareness that any culture observed from the outside (an etic perspective, in case you were wondering what the anthropological term was) is easily misinterpreted. I guess that this post can work in that way too. Not that any of you read a lot of ethnographic work, but for future reference, don't judge cultures based solely on an outsider's view. This post was actually inspired by me thinking about coffee and how much it influences us and our interactions. I suppose that is all I have on this, hope it was interesting. Oh and if you are feeling bored, you can read that article. It uses the same concept but I think he is a lot better at it.

11 Random, Disconnected Thoughts

2005-01-07T16:10:00.000-07:00

1. If McCrum weren't so bored I'd certainly post less here. You can blame her for my forced and incoherent ramblings

2. This last week has passed much too quickly. Last week seemed to elapse at a leisurely pace and this week has been progressing at break-neck speed. It suX0rZ.

3. At the moment I cannot stay awake for more than 3 hours without some tea. Physical dependence on caffeine? I think so.

4. My cat Boba Fett reminds me of a velociraptor (this was not inspired by the most recent PA, I have been harbouring this thought for a while now). This is based both on the sounds she makes, as well as her general mannerisms. It is quite interesting. I'm a regular John Hammond.

5. Upon perusing the Armoury website I came across a link to Sexual Rapport Modelling. The author promises to: " teach you how to directly stimulate the limbic brain of a woman, bypassing her neo-cortex, which rationalizes reasons to hesitate or shut down sexual urges or judge you based on your looks or social status, an effort to not appear like a "slut." This stuff is absolutely hilarious.

6. It seems as though Hotmail (which will henceforth be referred to as "Whoremail" to reflect my distaste for their practices) is no longer accessible through Mail Clients. You need to subscribe to the paid service to be able to use the POP feature. I am thoroughly upset with this - although it is not suprising as it is run by Microsoft terrorists. If anyone knows if this is untrue please tell me...although I think I have my facts straight. From now on try to email me at laurensimpson@shaw.ca. I'm giving a big double deuce to Whoremail.

7. People should buy Macs and make the world a happier place. (iPods with iTrips while they are at it)

8. I'm slowly becoming very addicted to Chai...very addicted....

9. I have four classes MWF and one TR. That should be interesting...Lunch at 11:00 - 12:00 MWF for anyone who is interested. Class at 11:00 - 12:20 on TR so always plenty of time for hanging out those days as well.

10. Talking to Maninder Singh has me thinking about University and how stupid some programs are. Physiology for instance (Manik's program) doesn't give her room to take some of the courses she really wants to take. Some people take a ton of classes that they hate just to move on to med or law school. And you don't even know what those are like, so you go in totally blind. It's ridiculous. I'm really glad I'm in Arts and get to take a lot of classes that really interest me.

11. This post has taken almost an hour now. It isn't really all that interesting either...Ah well, you can't rush genius McCrum and here is your painful lesson.

If You Have To Go To Wal-Mart

2005-01-03T19:11:00.000-07:00

There are times when a trip to Wal-Mart is a necessity. Sometimes for cheap drugs, sometimes for shampoo, that kind of stuff. On those occasions where you realise that you must venture into the cesspool of redneck consumerism, there are a few simple rules to follow to broadcast to the world that you do not belong in a Wal-Mart, but are only there out of dire need. I thought I would share them with you.

1) Look hot. Seriously, if you look good when you walk in then people will understand you are just picking up something on your way to a really killer party or something equally cool. They will know that your shoes were not found in Aisle 7 and that shirt will last you more than one wash. This will create a sort of force-field around you to deflect those donned in overalls and reminiscing about the days when they had all their teeth.

2) Know what you are getting and walk with purpose. Don't spend time browsing, that is a sign that you see Wal-Mart as a viable shopping source. Burst into the doors without slowing down, walk directly to the section you are heading towards. If you are a girl then having your hair down will really add to the effect. It will blow out behind you and add to the feeling of urgency that has resulted in your entering the store. Guys, don't worry. Unless you have flowing locks like Ryan, you can achieve the same effect by wearing a peacoat (or a similar type of dress coat) and having it open. This step is critically linked to number one, by the way. You can't be looking ugly and then try to burst in. It will scare people if you are walking fast and look like hell. They will think you are coming to rob the Wal-Mart (however that might work...) and they will call security on you. You don't want that to happen. You will wake up 5 days later on a streetcorner in Mexico with a bad headache and strange clothes on. Trust me on this one.

3) Never take a shopping cart. A basket will have to do, it shows that you are just picking up a few things. A shopping cart may as well be a marriage certificate to your cousin.

4) Go in the evening. During the day means that you just drove in from the farm in the ol' pickup. Pa is out working the fields and you and the youngens needed a bar of soap for the next month so you took the day off. Y'all packed into the truck and drove in to go to Wal-Mart. Not cool.

5) Try to use one of the alternate checkouts (electronics or the pharamcy) or find a really short line. The reason for this is twofold: a) You will be in the store for a shorter period of time and there less of a chance of being spotted by that tobacco chewing friend of a friend of an enemy. b) Do you really think you deserve to stand in line? No. You have higher than a 4th grade education and special priviledges should be awarded for that.

Keep these rules in mind and next time you go you won't get a marriage proposal from a man and his goat. And he wanted you to marry them both. Goddamn polyandry.